Daily facts, Amusing, Fun, Funny Daily Facts

Chuck Norris Facts *part 5

Here comes another episode of “Don’t fu*k with Chuck”! Enjoy!

In an alternate universe, the clean-shave Chuck Norris of the 1970s is engaged in an epic battle with the bearded Chuck Norris of the 80s and 90s. The result of this conflict is the Aurora Borealis.

1. When Meatloaf said he’d do anything for love, but he won’t do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.
2. Wolverine from the X-men is based entirely on Chuck Norris and was originally called “Chuck Norris” instead. When Chuck Norris threatened to sue for the use of his likeness, they cut off his beard, gave him a queer hair cut, and called him Wolverine. This allowed them to keep the parts that are true, like the ability to heal, the claws, and the adamantium skeleton.
3. If Chuck Norris were a nation, he would be the world’s fifth largest economy.
4. Chuck Norris carved Mt. Rushmore by himself with his teeth. It took him thirty seconds.
5. Chuck Norris once dressed up as a wuss for Halloween by wearing loose fitting pants and shaving his beard. Whenever a homeowner would give him Smarties while trick or treating, he would yell, “I loathe Smarties!” and roundhouse kicked them in the throat. Chuck Norris’s beard grew back by the third house, and this will go down as the most unconvincing Halloween costume in history. Chuck was 38 at the time.
6. When you look back and see only one set of footprints, that’s when Chuck Norris was carrying you.
7. Rumors claim the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive comet. This is false. Chuck Norris simply roundhouse kicked all of them into oblivion.
8. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Professor X. Thats how he ended up in a wheelchair.
9. The only reason World War II occured was because Chuck Norris was taking a nap.
10. Antibodies are not the cure for polio, doctors actually inject paients with Chuck Norris’ sperm to roundhouse kick the disease.
11. If the coach had put Chuck Norris in in the fourth quarter, they would have won state. No doubt about it.
12. If you unscramble the letters in “Chuck Norris” you get “Huck corn, sir.” That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
13. Chuck Norris likes to dress up in a “Barney” suit and visit the local kintergardens. When the happy little children ask Chuck to sing a song he roundhouse kicks the shit out of them, removes his mask, and says, “I’m not a jukebox, you little fucker.”
14. Chuck Norris once quit smoking by roundhouse kicking a tabacco company CEO in the head, simultaneously inventing the phrase “kick the habit”.
15. Recently historians discovered an additional book of the bible, there is now Mark, Mathew, Luke, John, and Chuck Norris.
16. Chuck Norris once killed a 10,000 pound bear, tore it into 10,000 pieces, and then fed it to a school of salmon just because he enjoyed the irony.
17. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.
18. Chuck Norris once copied the answers to a worksheet in Biology. A black kid noticed this, and told him he had just gotten G points. Chuck asked the kid what were G points. The kid replied with, “Gangsta points!” Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris thought back to his days as a kid in Fresno. So he stabbed the kid with a knife and roundhouse kicked him in the face, now he has 50 G points.
19. Chuck Norris once breast-fed Dolly Parton.
20. Chuck Norris found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq by looking in a mirror.
21. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear pants or shoes. He was born with denim-coated legs and feet made of fine leather.
22. Chuck Norris considered the movie “Sin City” a chick flick.
23. Chuck Norris makes beef jerky by roundhouse kicking cows so hard that moisture leaves their body.
24. Chuck Norris eats babies and shits Delta Force team members.
25. As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing “Hammer Time!” under every stop sign in the universe.
26. One time, while Chuck Norris was filming an episode of “Walker: Texas Ranger”, the production team brought on a guy to hold up cue cards. Norris roundhouse kicked that guy in the pancreas, and proceeded to speak every line in the script in perfect Swahili, just out of spite.
27. Chuck Norris didn’t like the end of Superman IV, so broke Christopher Reeves’ neck.
28. In 2001, Chuck Norris kicked off Alex Trebek’s mustache after not answering in the form of a question.
29. Chuck Norris ended the Civil War with a massive roundhouse kick the he referred to as the Emancipation Proclamation.
30. Originally, the universe was two dimensional. A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris knocked a guy into the third dimension, dragging everything else with it from the force of the blow.
31. Chuck Norris trims his beard with a chainsaw.
32. Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.
33. When Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel come within 400 feet of each other, an atomic blast occurs. This is why they can never take a trip to Japan ever again.
34. Chuck Norris was curious to see if the Statue of Liberty was shaved. He found that there was only one other thing thicker than his beard. So in anger he roundhouse kicked the Statue of liberty in the clit. By doing this he gave her such a huge orgasm that the rumble caused Mt. St. Helens to erupt, thus proving the female orgasm is NOT a myth. Thank you Dr. Norris.
35. After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. “Giant leap, my ass”, Chuck replied.
36. Chuck Norris hated watching Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes commercials so much that he blew a 90 mph load down his throat from 15 miles away. Wilford will never have low blood sugar ever again.
37. Chuck Norris once broke up a huge drug ring. He went and asked, “Who’s in charge around here?” When the man responded, “I am, what of it?” he was met with a swift roundhouse to the face. Chuck Norris then stood over him and said, “Wrong answer. Charles is in charge.”
38. Chuck Norris devised his own STD. On top of that, he doesnt tell women about it until after he punches them in the throat.
39. Chuck Norris photosynthesizes through his beard, which seems to be the source of most of his power. The rest of it stems from a steady diet of virgin girl and mayonaise sandwiches.
40. Chuck Norris goes in through the Out door.
41. Chuck Norris does not know what Willis is “talkin’ bout”. He does however know how much he wants to roundhouse Gary Colmen in the face.
42. Chuck Norris took 3 of every animal on his ark. Then he called Noah a pussy and roundhoused kicked a Minotaur.
43. The highest degree of Masonry is Chuck Norris.
44. Chuck Norris was curious to see if the Statue of Liberty was shaved. He found that there was only one other thing thicker than his beard. So in anger he roundhouse kicked the Statue of liberty in the clit. By doing this he gave her such a huge orgasm that the rumble caused Mt. St. Helens to erupt, thus proving the female orgasm is NOT a myth. Thank you Dr. Norris.
45. After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. “Giant leap, my ass”, Chuck replied.
46. Chuck Norris hated watching Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes commercials so much that he blew a 90 mph load down his throat from 15 miles away. Wilford will never have low blood sugar ever again.
47. Chuck Norris once broke up a huge drug ring. He went and asked, “Who’s in charge around here?” When the man responded, “I am, what of it?” he was met with a swift roundhouse to the face. Chuck Norris then stood over him and said, “Wrong answer. Charles is in charge.”
48. Chuck Norris devised his own STD. On top of that, he doesnt tell women about it until after he punches them in the throat.
49. Chuck Norris photosynthesizes through his beard, which seems to be the source of most of his power. The rest of it stems from a steady diet of virgin girl and mayonaise sandwiches.
50. Chuck Norris goes in through the Out door.
51. Chuck Norris does not know what Willis is “talkin’ bout”. He does however know how much he wants to roundhouse Gary Colmen in the face.
52. Chuck Norris took 3 of every animal on his ark. Then he called Noah a pussy and roundhoused kicked a Minotaur.
53. The highest degree of Masonry is Chuck Norris.
54. Chuck Norris lives in Texas, with his wife and 874 Vietnamese slave children.
55. Chuck Norris invented the iPod Nano when he realized that men with penises under 5 feet in length should have smaller iPods that he does.
56. Chuck Norris is the source of all light. The sun gets it power through energy created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks anything.
57. Chuck Norris only goes to women doctors, that way he doesnt feel like a homo during the “cough” test.
58. It is believed that King Arthur’s legendary sword Excalibur is actually a strand of hair from Chuck Norris’ beard.
59. When you hear that snap, crackle and pop in your Rice Krispies, that really Chuck Norris round house kicking the shit out of the elves. He owns them every morning.
60. Contrary to popular belief, Anne Frank was in fact hiding from Chuck Norris because she was unable to pay the last installment for his creative writing class.
61. When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.
62. Chuck Norris was one of the original members of Wu Tang Clan, but quit because they weren’t street enough.
63. Chuck Norris has been shot 68 times in his life, but only one bullet has drawn blood. When asked later about how the that bullet broke the skin, he said, “I let that one in so I could shoot it back out of my navel.”
64. Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped him. Chuck Norris calls this “tough love”.
65. Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five.
66. Chuck Norris once ordered a pepperoni pizza. When he discovered that they had forgotten the pepperonis, he roundhouse kicked the delivery boy and stapled him to the pizza and ate it.
67. Time stops for no man, but it does for Chuck Norris when he meditates, or takes a dump.
68. People who maintain that “size doesn’t matter” have never had sex with Chuck Norris.
69. Maybe you’ve heard of the two heavenly bodies we know as the Sun and the Moon. They’re actually Chuck Norris’ Testicles.
70. Dan Rather’s toupe is an exact replica of Chuck Norris’ pubic hair.
71. Chuck Norris actually has nine penises, but only one is attached to his body. Eight of them float around independently doing what they will.
72. The most difficult fight of Chuck Norris’ storied career pitted his left testicle against a buffalo in a cage match. Chuck was born right-testicled, but he spent countless hours training to make himself ambitesticled so as not to have a weakness in battle. Despite that, the toughest part of the match was that the rules stipulated that Chuck was not allowed to actually enter the cage. Chuck was forced to stand outside and push his testicle through the bars. 14 hours into the fight, Chuck’s testicle landed a roundhouse kick that put the buffalo into a coma. Chuck vowed then and there never to fight with his testicle again.
73. Chuck Norris gargles with anti-freeze.
74. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
75. Chuck Norris rubbed his beard so hard that he wore off his own fingerprints. His smooth palm faces add the perfect amount of aero-dynamics for karate chops reaching tops speeds of 136mph.
76. When Rodney King pleaded, “Can’t we all just get along?”, Chuck Norris nodded and smiled. Then he proceeded to round-house kick him in the face.
77. When a phone rings, there is a 58% chance that it’s for Chuck Norris.
78. Mount Kilimanjaro can only be climbed when Chuck Norris has an erect penis. This is because Chuck’s erect penis IS Mount Kilimanjaro.
79. The only thing stronger than kevlar are vests woven out of Chuck Norris’ chest hair.
80. If you were to know Chuck Norris’ true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.
81. Chuck Norris’ girlfriend is actually a blown up doll of himself, which he still, in fact, “slaps around”.
82. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris.
83. Chuck Norris has a dick so big his wife had to have her jaw surgically unhinged to give him a blow-job. Tragically, when Chuck came, she drowned.
84. Chuck Norris can shoot at cars with a revolver and make them explode. He told me all you have to do is make a real macho face when you’re aiming and you’ll hit the gas tank everytime.
85. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
86. Chuck Norris once hit someone so hard that he created a hole in the 5th dimension. He then went back in time through the hole and tried to save the dinosaurs from becoming extinct. He saved a few of the dinosaurs by carrying them on his back through the time portal. The dinosaurs he saved starred in all three of the Jurassic Park movies.
87. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life”.
88. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
89. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
90. Chuck Norris does not use defense, instead, he uses counter-offense.
91. Chuck Norris sucks at “color by numbers” becuase his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunatly all blood is fucking red.
92. Chuck Norris made and sold 100 WWCND(What Would Chuck Norris Do) bracelets as a prototype for an extensive clothing line incorporating the same anagram, but the clothing line was shut down when all 100 buyers of the bracelet were executed on death row for murdering people with roundhouse kicks to the skull.
93. Chuck Norris’ beard has a representative in Congress.
94. Chuck Norris can shoot at cars with a revolver and make them explode. He told me all you have to do is make a real macho face when you’re aiming and you’ll hit the gas tank everytime.
95. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
96. Chuck Norris once hit someone so hard that he created a hole in the 5th dimension. He then went back in time through the hole and tried to save the dinosaurs from becoming extinct. He saved a few of the dinosaurs by carrying them on his back through the time portal. The dinosaurs he saved starred in all three of the Jurassic Park movies.
97. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life”.
98. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
99. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
100. Chuck Norris does not use defense, instead, he uses counter-offense.
101. Chuck Norris sucks at “color by numbers” becuase his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunatly all blood is fucking red.
102. Chuck Norris made and sold 100 WWCND(What Would Chuck Norris Do) bracelets as a prototype for an extensive clothing line incorporating the same anagram, but the clothing line was shut down when all 100 buyers of the bracelet were executed on death row for murdering people with roundhouse kicks to the skull.
103. Chuck Norris’ beard has a representative in Congress.
104. Chuck Norris’ beard is actually a time travelling symbiotesymbiote sent back in time to kill Chuck, but failed and was forced by Chuck to forever be his face decoration.
105. Chuck Norris laughs heartily whenever he watches Cialis commercials because his erections last four days.
106. A solar eclipse is the result of the sun accidentally making eye contact with Chuck Norris.
107. Chuck Norris ends every relationship with “It’s not me, it’s you”.
108. Chuck Norris once had sex with the Queen of England. When she asked him to cuddle, he roundhouse kicked her in the ovary and then bit off her leg - just to prove a point. Chuck Norris does not cuddle, because Chuck Norris is not a pussy.
109. Chuck Norris’ voice always echos, no matter what. Even in the vaccuum of space he will echo. Top scientists believe its the result of his tight jeans. Damn he has a sweet ass.
110. Chuck Norris’ beard is coarser than 40-grit sandpaper. He occasionally uses it to buff out rust bubbles on his 1974 Ford Econoline.
111. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
112. All techno music is based on the different beats of Chuck Norris’s heart.
113. Chuck Norris doesn’t use weapons because Chuck Norris is the ultimate weapon.
114. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
115. Chuck Norris made killing cool. Before everybody was like, “Killing? Yeah right!” But now everybody is like, “Sweet.”
116. Eye contact with Chuck Norris, unless explicitly addressed by him, will result in getting your ass literally handed to you.
117. Chuck Norris once bluffed away $30,000 with 8-high. He doesn’t give a shit.
118. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
119. Chuck Norris opened Pandora’s Box, looked at its contents, and then closed it.
120. If you call him “Chuckster” to his face, Chuck Norris will end you. Coincedentily, he will do the same if you pass by him on his right side.
121. Chuck Norris only brakes for people dressed like Chuck Norris.
122. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. Instead, each night he listens to “Afternoon Delight” on repeat while staring at himself mirror and lip syncing until he feels ready to kick ass another day.
123. There is a new law that is currently under Senate review. If this law is passed, it will give Chuck Norris the responsibilty of patrolling the entire U.S./Mexico border.
124. Chuck Norris’ beard was the inspiration for the Swiss Army Knife.
125. Chuck Norris shaves every night before going to bed. He has a 5 o’clock shadow before he falls asleep, and a full beard when he wakes up. If anyone sees him in this beardless state, something bad happens. We don’t know what though, because no one has ever lived to tell.
126. Chuck Norris once shat in the Indian Ocean. You saw the pictures of Thailand.
127. If you stare at Chuck Norris’ bicepts for too long, you will go blind or develop testicular cancer.
128. One of Chuck Norris’ more impressive moves is his ability to do a backflip, roundhouse kick, and simultaneously de-pants himself. The amount of tail he’s won by this trick is staggering.
129. Chuck Norris’ sperm are approximately the size of a regular red salmon. So when Chuck’s sperm matures, they travel up a river in which then they are caught and eaten by thirsty Japanese girls.
130. Chuck Norris has no pancreas. He instead has a retroperitoneal waffle iron that excretes a pancreatic juice made of liquid vengeance.
131. Chuck Norris has the chromosome “B” solely for his beard.
132. The reason Chuck Norris has no children because looking at his genatalia produces the same results as if you were to open the Ark of the Covenent.
133. The Hemi engine was designed to mimic Chuck Norris’s penis.
134. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man’s face through the back of his own skull, and Chuck was so sneaky about it the man did not notice for 3 days.
135. Chuck Norris sweats actual bullets. He never uses them, he doesn’t have to.
136. Chuck Norris performs back alley abortions with his beard.
137. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.
138. Once Chuck Norris hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit.
139. Chuck Norris is not, in fact, the reincarnation of Jesus. His beard, on the other hand, is.
140. The movie Rambo: First Blood was inspired by Chuck Norris’ experience as a boy scout.
141. Chuck Norris was once the ruler of Atlantis. He became bored with his empire and decided to flush it down his toilet along with the largest shit ever made in the history of Chuck Norris. Atlantis is now known as New Jersey.
142. The Hemi engine was designed to mimic Chuck Norris’s penis.
143. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man’s face through the back of his own skull, and Chuck was so sneaky about it the man did not notice for 3 days.
144. Chuck Norris sweats actual bullets. He never uses them, he doesn’t have to.
145. Chuck Norris performs back alley abortions with his beard.
146. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.
147. Once Chuck Norris hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit.
148. Chuck Norris is not, in fact, the reincarnation of Jesus. His beard, on the other hand, is.
149. The movie Rambo: First Blood was inspired by Chuck Norris’ experience as a boy scout.
150. Chuck Norris was once the ruler of Atlantis. He became bored with his empire and decided to flush it down his toilet along with the largest shit ever made in the history of Chuck Norris. Atlantis is now known as New Jersey.
151. There is a little bit of Chuck Norris in each and every one of us. Mainly due to rape.
152. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked China, hence the flat faces.
153. Chuck Norris’ sperm is so fertile, when he bangs a chick in America, another chick in China gets pregnant.
154. Chuck Norris can unwrap a Starburst inside his mouth. The only other person that can do this is currently locked in a cage in Chuck’s basement.
155. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
156. Once Chuck Norris had cancer, due to it his beard had fallen off. So ashamed of not having his manly beard, he put on a black wig and renamed himself Steven Seagal through 1980-2000.
157. Chuck Norris only maturbates to pictures of himself.
158. Despite his doctor’s and family’s strong objection, Chuck Norris began drinking gasoline each morning. Much to everyone’s surprise, he gets 94 miles per gallon.
159. Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris’ face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting ceases to exist.
160. In a court appearence in 1994, Chuck Norris asked to be sworn in on a copy of Walker on DVD as opposed to the Bible because, “the Bible means nothing to me.”
161. In 1995, Chuck Norris went on a vision quest at the behest of the chief of his Indian tribe. Upon entering the woods, he encountered a Dodo bird. He promptly kicked the Dodo in the face so hard it killed every one of the Dodo’s ancestors. This is why the Dodo has been extinct since 1681.
162. Chuck Norris doesnt use shaving cream and he never cuts himself. Ever.
163. When Abraham Lincoln was building his log cabin, Chuck Norris sat under a shady elm tree, drinking lemonade. When Abe asked Chuck for a sip to quench his thirst, Chuck Norris stared at him in the eye and poured the lemonade into the ground. He then round-house kicked Lincoln’s teeth out.
164. In the last scene of “Full Metal Jacket”, where Joker kills the Vietnamese sniper and Donlon says, “Hardcore, man… fuckin’ hardcore,” Donlon is talking about Chuck Norris.
165. Chuck Noris’ famous slowmo rounndhouse kick isn’t actually slow mition at all. Due to his amazing muscle control developed throughdaily kagel excercises, Chuck Noris can litterally squeeze air with his butt muscles, thus suspending him on a jet stream of air. The fact that his opponents and surroundings all seem to be in slow motion as well is merely a mirage formed by the vapour trail.
166. For every time the phrase “roundhouse kick” appears on this website, Chuck Norris will bomb an African village.
167. Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.
168. Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris calls you a pussy, fucks 23 women right in front of you, and the eats a kitten.
169. Chuck Norris rode the short bus to school, not because he was dumb, but because he got a kick out of beating up retards.
170. Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer, “to get a better look at the sun.”
171. Contrary to popular belief, there was never an atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. The blast was actually the result of Chuck Norris being told that fortune cookies are Chinese, not Japanese.
172. Chuck Norris’ “Total Gym” commercials are based on his real-life experience in killing whores.
173. Chuck Norris enjoys long walks on the beach and staring into the sun while eating thumb tacks.
174. Tom Cruise is actually impotent. Katie Holmes is pregnant thanks to Chuck Norris.
175. Chuck Norris wears live rabbits as bunny slippers. He puts on said slippers every morning by kicking the rabbits in their anus.
176. Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.
177. The original design for the Total Gym included a Chuck Norris robot that would roundhouse kick the user in the face if they stopped working out.
178. Chuck Norris smokes buffalo shit because he’s too tough to get a buzz from crystal meth, which was his favorite drug of choice in pre-school.
179. In Jurassic Park, the water shaking in the glass was from Chuck Norris masturbating halfway around the world. The dinosaur was purely coincidence.
180. Chuck Norris entered an arm wrestling tournament. After killing dozens of contenders, he was matched up against himself and subsequently ripped himself in half.
181. Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.
182. After repeatedly failing at the development of an atomic weapon, Einstein and other members of the Manhattan Project called upon Chuck Norris and a flurry of roundhouse kicks to split the atom.
183. Chuck Norris’ pubic hair is twice as thick as his beard… but not nearly as deadly.
184. To maintain his status as the life of the party, Chuck Norris shaves his beard and amazes the crowd as they watch it grow back before them.
185. Chuck Norris once ripped a man in half just to see what he had for lunch.
186. If you make a pinky swear with Chuck Norris and dont follow through with the promise he will hunt you down and roundhouse kick your pinkies into your eyes. Then he masturbates on you.
187. Chuck Norris can utilize his beard as a lung for breathing underwater.
188. Instead of finding two of every animal, to save time, Noah simply one female of each species and then Chuck Norris onto the ark. The animal kingdom lives on.
189. As a young child Chuck Norris and his school yard friends enjoyed an occasional game of “Hungry Hungry Hippo”, with real Hippopotamuses.
190. Chuck Norris entered an arm wrestling tournament. After killing dozens of contenders, he was matched up against himself and subsequently ripped himself in half.
191. Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.
192. After repeatedly failing at the development of an atomic weapon, Einstein and other members of the Manhattan Project called upon Chuck Norris and a flurry of roundhouse kicks to split the atom.
193. Chuck Norris’ pubic hair is twice as thick as his beard… but not nearly as deadly.
194. To maintain his status as the life of the party, Chuck Norris shaves his beard and amazes the crowd as they watch it grow back before them.
195. Chuck Norris once ripped a man in half just to see what he had for lunch.
196. If you make a pinky swear with Chuck Norris and dont follow through with the promise he will hunt you down and roundhouse kick your pinkies into your eyes. Then he masturbates on you.
197. Chuck Norris can utilize his beard as a lung for breathing underwater.
198. Instead of finding two of every animal, to save time, Noah simply one female of each species and then Chuck Norris onto the ark. The animal kingdom lives on.
199. As a young child Chuck Norris and his school yard friends enjoyed an occasional game of “Hungry Hungry Hippo”, with real Hippopotamuses.
200. Chuck Norris once ate a sofa and crapped out a loveseat and an armchair.
201. The hammer was crafted after Chuck Norris’ fist.
202. Chuck Norris’ left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
203. Don’t say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you’re near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.
204. In one episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris actually unhinged his jaw and swallowed his black partner whole.
205. Two weeks before Christmas, Chuck Norris took his family out to a Christmas tree farm. When they all found the “perfect tree”, his son gave him a saw. Chuck laughed, threw the saw down and roundhouse kicked the tree over.
206. Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk’d. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
207. The Video Game company “Nintendo” was founded by Chuck Norris when he gave birth to a “Nintendo Entertainment System” after swallowing several Asian businessman whole.
208. Chuck Norris can only be killed by silver bullets in the shape of candy canes.
209. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
210. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
211. If you pay close attention, women’s breasts quiver if you whisper, “Chuck Norris” anywhere in the country.
212. Chuck Norris refers to all money in terms of the number of gumballs he could purchace. If you ask him how much a gumball costs, he will stare at you so hard your soul will die and your penis will fall off.
213. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
214. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
215. Chuck Norris stands outside of abortion clinics and stomp-kicks babies out of pregnant women after shouting, “Sunset!” Every woman that has had this done has thanked Chuck Norris. Then Chuck re-impregnated all of them with his seed.
216. Chuck Norris has made it his life’s work to sodomize every new penguin that comes into this world. This the reason penguins can’t fly.
217. The soft drink beverage known as Mountain Dew is actually made entirely of Chuck Norris’ urine. When you look at it through a microscope, you can see billions of microscopic Chucks, all waiting to roundhouse kick the shit out of your sperm.
218. The Vietnam memorial is not a list of people who died in Vietnam, but actually a list of people who died over a fourth of July holiday when someone drank Chuck Norris’ Tequila.
219. In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris’ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson’s disease.
220. Chuck Norris solved a rubic’s cube so fast someone watching exploded immediately.
221. In the beginning Chuck Norris said, “Let there be light,” then swiftly kicked the universe in the throat, laughed, and lit a fart on fire.
222. Chuck Norris is so popular he was voted prom king and queen.
223. Chuck Norris, unlike most people, is able to breathe in the vacuum of space. In fact, anything else would damage his respiratory system. Because of this, whenever he’s visiting Earth, he wears a respirator, which resembles a kickass beard.
224. Even at its most flaccid state, Chuck Norris’s penis is still hard enough to knock your teeth out.
225. Chuck Norris got banned from the state of Florida after he roundhouse kicked a dolphin at Seaworld.
226. Jesus was in fact the second coming of Chuck Norris.
227. Chuck Norris was forced to attend anger management class. The next morning the instructor’s head was found in Chuck’s bedpan.
228. Chuck Norris has to use the “withdrawal” method of birth control, not to avoid pregnancy, but because his load is so powerful is always kills the woman.
229. Everytime a waitress doesn’t return with your food ontime, its because Chuck Norris is secretly having sex with her — and all of the other waitresses — in a back room. That’s also why the food tastes extra good when it finally arrives.
230. Chuck Norris stabbed his grandmother in the neck for forgetting his favorite pie at Christmas. Upon learning that she had actually brought it and was playing a joke on him, he conjured her back to life by roundhouse kicking Jesus.
231. The Vietnam war ended over 30 years ago, nobody told Chuck Norris.
232. Chuck Norris is in the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the most blow jobs in one day. 756.
233. Each individual hair in Chuck Norrises beard spends 2 hours a week using a Bowflex.
234. Whenever Chuck Norris hears the “Numa-numa” song, he roundhouse-kicks the closest fat kid.
235. If a child ignores the “You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride” signs at an amusement park, Chuck Norris immediately jumps out from behind the sign and roundhouse kicks the child in the face, before impregnating the child’s mother with his beard.
236. Chuck Norris once had his reflection walk out of the mirror just to roundhouse kick meter-maids, while the REAL Chuck Norris was having a three way with his wife, and his reflection’s wife.
237. Chuck Norris once had a contest with The Cookie Monster to see who could eat the most cookies. Halfway through the contest, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster for no apparent reason.
238. It was once said that in a bar brawl Chuck Norris choke slammed Andre The Giant with his dick.
239. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
240. Chuck Norris stabbed his grandmother in the neck for forgetting his favorite pie at Christmas. Upon learning that she had actually brought it and was playing a joke on him, he conjured her back to life by roundhouse kicking Jesus.
241. The Vietnam war ended over 30 years ago, nobody told Chuck Norris.
242. Chuck Norris is in the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the most blow jobs in one day. 756.
243. Each individual hair in Chuck Norrises beard spends 2 hours a week using a Bowflex.
244. Whenever Chuck Norris hears the “Numa-numa” song, he roundhouse-kicks the closest fat kid.
245. If a child ignores the “You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride” signs at an amusement park, Chuck Norris immediately jumps out from behind the sign and roundhouse kicks the child in the face, before impregnating the child’s mother with his beard.
246. Chuck Norris once had his reflection walk out of the mirror just to roundhouse kick meter-maids, while the REAL Chuck Norris was having a three way with his wife, and his reflection’s wife.
247. Chuck Norris once had a contest with The Cookie Monster to see who could eat the most cookies. Halfway through the contest, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster for no apparent reason.
248. It was once said that in a bar brawl Chuck Norris choke slammed Andre The Giant with his dick.
249. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
250. Chuck Norris invented time zones in order to more efficiently schedule world wide ass kickings.
251. A girl once broke Chuck Norris’s heart. In return, he broke her neck.
252. “Alien vs Predator” is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris’ first sexual experience.
253. Chuck Norris is why you can’t run with scissors.
254. Chuck Norris doesn’t break up with his girlfriends… He punches them in the vagina and they leave.
255. Chuck Norris’s beard won the Stanley Cup in 1996.
256. Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God’s young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve’s incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the “S”, “t”, and penis were knocked out of him.
257. Chuck Norris once delivered three Mexican babies while eating a ham sandwhich.
258. When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.
259. Yoda was once “6,4″, black, and talked normal, he then made the mistake of saying Chuck Norris sucks.
260. Kryptonite is to Superman as Canada is to Chuck Norris. He hates that place.
261. Chuck Norris uses lesser men as currency.
262. The sound of Chuck Norris scratching his beard makes angels weep.
263. When Chuck Norris chops down a tree, he uses the wooden end of the axe.
264. Chuck Norris was actually Martin Luther King’s dream.
265. Contrary to popular belief, The atomic bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima were actually orgasms of Japanese prostitutes, compliments of Chuck Norris.
266. Chuck Norris TKOed Mike Tyson in Nintendo’s Mike Tyson’s Punchout on the first try. It was so easy that after he did it he murdered a puppy.
267. Chuck Norris was originally the fifth Ninja Turtle. After Splinter kicked him out for “not being a mutant”, Chuck roundhouse kicked him and the rest of the turtles, thus beginning the Boston Massacre.
268. In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.
269. The Bermuda Triangle was once in the shape of a square, but Chuck Norris kicked one of the corners off it.
270. Everytime Chuck Norris eats a crippled or retarded child here in the U.S., a baby is born in China. That explains China’s extremely large population.
271. Chuck Norris had seven children. Four of them went on to become doctors. The other three were delicious.
272. If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his fucking lying.
273. Chuck Norris wears only rabid wolverines for underwear.
274. Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.
275. Chuck Norris’ face grew from his beard and his body followed shortly after.
276. Before filming Missing in Action II, Chuck Norris invented mathematics, so they could complete the title.
277. Bruce Lee once kicked Chuck Norris in the crotch. One tear and one tear only fell from Chuck Norris’ eye creating the oceans of the world. From these oceans all life as we know it, sprung forth.
278. Chuck Norris’ happy trail extends from his chin to his taint.
279. Chuck Norris is a world champion in Long Distance Shitting. He once propelled a shit more than 1000 yards, where it landed perfectly in a toilet, without even making a splash. The sport was outlawed, however, after a stray shit from Norris struck a hobo 10 miles away, killing him instantly.
280. Chuck Norris had to go back in time and sleep with his own mother. Why? Because only the seed of Chuck Norris was able to make someone as perfect as Chuck Norris. On a side note Chuck Norris has webbed feet.
281. If Chuck Norris were a volcano, he’d still roundhouse kick you in the face.
282. Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. They will be missed.
283. Chuck Norris punches kittens for sheer enjoyment.
284. While vacationing in Africa, Chuck Norris was attacked by a group of hungry lions. Unfazed, he strangled them to death and proceeded to dislocate his jaw and ribcage so he could swallow his prey whole.
285. Chuck Norris’ facial hair housed 144 hurricane evacuees. It is not as much as the Astrodome but it has its own strip mall, police station, and dojo to practice kickboxing.
286. Chuck Norris was once pulled over by a cop for going through a 25 mph school zone doing 80 in his Ford Pinto. When the cop looked inside the car to give Norris a ticket, the incredible amount of badassness emanating from Chuck Norris instantly made him go insane, causing him to pull out his gun and shoot himself in the head. Norris laughed all the way home, and drove and extra 10 mph faster just for spite.
287. Chuck Norris fought a cloud once because it rained on him.
288. Chuck Norris can crush a 6-pack with his rectum.
289. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn’t, the Holocaust happened.
290. Chuck Norris had to go back in time and sleep with his own mother. Why? Because only the seed of Chuck Norris was able to make someone as perfect as Chuck Norris. On a side note Chuck Norris has webbed feet.
291. If Chuck Norris were a volcano, he’d still roundhouse kick you in the face.
292. Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. They will be missed.
293. Chuck Norris punches kittens for sheer enjoyment.
294. While vacationing in Africa, Chuck Norris was attacked by a group of hungry lions. Unfazed, he strangled them to death and proceeded to dislocate his jaw and ribcage so he could swallow his prey whole.
295. Chuck Norris’ facial hair housed 144 hurricane evacuees. It is not as much as the Astrodome but it has its own strip mall, police station, and dojo to practice kickboxing.
296. Chuck Norris was once pulled over by a cop for going through a 25 mph school zone doing 80 in his Ford Pinto. When the cop looked inside the car to give Norris a ticket, the incredible amount of badassness emanating from Chuck Norris instantly made him go insane, causing him to pull out his gun and shoot himself in the head. Norris laughed all the way home, and drove and extra 10 mph faster just for spite.
297. Chuck Norris fought a cloud once because it rained on him.
298. Chuck Norris can crush a 6-pack with his rectum.
299. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn’t, the Holocaust happened.

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