Daily facts, Amusing, Fun, Funny Daily Facts

Chuck Norris Facts *part 4

Another 300 of facts on Chuck Norris, you just can’t get enough of them, huh.

1. Chuck Norris was the Fifth Ninja Turtle, but he was kicked out when he refused to wear a protective shell and continued to maintain that “Roundhouse Kick” was the only weapon he needed.
2. Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small vaginas growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant pussy.
3. Chuck Norris has no mother. He made himself out of a peice of string, some leaves, and some pointy sticks.
4. Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, “Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless.”
5. Chuck Norris can charge a cellular phone just by rubbing it against his beard.
6. In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.
7. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris’s fully erect penis.
8. Chuck Norris will become president in the year 2008 after he beats every member of the electoral college in a 537 to 1 caged death match.
9. The black widow spider is one of the most poisonous spiders in the world. But Chuck Norris doesn’t give a shit. He pops ‘em like candy.
10. The immense force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is beyond comprehension, and in fact is responsible for the tropical weather phenomenon we call a “hurricane”.
11. A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
12. Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.
13. The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris’s most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day he promised to never again do that move. A few days later it was confirmed Chuck Norris occasionally lies.
14. The role of Willy Wonka in the remake of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ was originally offered to Chuck Norris. However, he backed out of the project after the producers rejected his idea of a final fight scene with Charlie in which most of the cast dies.
15. Chuck Norris auditioned for the lead role in the origional ‘Shaft’, but was told he “wasn’t black enough”. In retaliation, he killed Martin Luther King jr.
16. Chuck Norris has a huge penis. It growls whenever it wants to be fed.
17. Chuck Norris reads the facts on this page every day in order to find out whose children he needs to eat. Rumor has it that he comes to your house and devours your kids leg-first so you can hear their screams. And if you don’t have children, he gets you pregnant.
18. Chuck Norris snorts puppies for breakfast. He says it gives him that certain “whoosh” he needs to begin his day.
19. The original title for Star Wars was Skywalker:Texas Ranger starring Chuck Norris.
20. Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a seagull after the seagull stole his ice cream. Chuck Norris then grabbed the seagull, bit him in half and spit the seagull’s remains into a sleeping baby’s face.
21. Chuck Norris smokes TNT.
22. Chuck Norris made it to the finals of the World’s Softest Punch Contest, and lost. The man who should have won is dead.
23. Chuck Norris sodomized Scooby Doo and every member of “the gang” because Chuck Norris doesn’t support gangs.
24. Chuck Norris cried wolf, only to beat up the villagers who showed up.
25. Chuck Norris is not the second coming of Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ was the first coming of Chuck Norris.
26. Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.
27. Chuck Norris always had a heated rivalry with Bruce Lee. When Lee died, they had unfinished business, so Chuck Norris enlisted the aid of Jonathon Silverman and Andrew McCarthy to work as Marionettes and prop up Lee’s lifeless corpse so Chuck could get one last Roundhouse Kick in.
28. Chuck Norris will rip his usb drive out of the port without clicking ‘Safely Remove Hardware.’ He says that such precautions aren’t manly.
29. Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich.
30. After he was stumped by a particularly tricky game of “Where’s Waldo,” Chuck Norris insemenated all of the female characters in the picture. Nine months later, he gathered all of his offspring and formed a renegade band of mercenaries, which he called “Chuck’s Fucks.” Norris still patrols the countryside with his offspring, searching for Waldo.
31. Chuck Norris has never given anyone the finger. However, it is believed that the event could flatten landscape within a 30 mile radius.
32. Chuck Norris was one of many strangers David Blaine came up to and asked “Hi, do you have a minute.” Chuck Norris thought this was an attempt to get him alone and kicked the shit out of David Blaine and stole his deck of cards after.
33. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Toucan Sam for giving, “Shitty directions.”
34. Chuck Norris’ arch-enemy used his stealth mode ability to hide from Chuck Norris in New Orleans. Subsequently, Chuck Norris created Hurricane Katrina to flood the bitch out.
35. Chuck Norris once kickboxed a hobo for seventeen consecutive hours.
36. Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris, not the Florida Supreme Court, made the final judgement on Terri Schiavo’s fate. It was a roundhouse kick to the feeding tube.
37. A mighty crack was heard around the world as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the supercontinent, Pangaea, beginning continental drift.
38. Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
39. Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.
40. Chuck Norris throws midgets for fun. He used to do it competitively, but it all ended horribly when he killed the pope.
41. Someone once tried to assassinate Chuck Norris’s beard but missed hitting Chuck in the face, Chuck proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the guy using nothing but his penis and elbow, Chuck has since installed security on his beard, with a deflector diverting bullets to his face, since he values his beard more than even his rugged good looks.
42. Chuck Norris can kill a dog in 7 ways, 4 of which involve throwing missiles at it.
43. Chuck Norris once went to jail. The morning after his first night all the inmates, all the guards, and the warden had bleeding assholes.
44. Chuck Norris lucky number is one, becuase thats how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.
45. If you ever get the chance to play Chuck Norris in Madden football, he will beat you 56-7.
46. Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris, not the Florida Supreme Court, made the final judgement on Terri Schiavo’s fate. It was a roundhouse kick to the feeding tube.
47. A mighty crack was heard around the world as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the supercontinent, Pangaea, beginning continental drift.
48. Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
49. Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.
50. Chuck Norris throws midgets for fun. He used to do it competitively, but it all ended horribly when he killed the pope.
51. Someone once tried to assassinate Chuck Norris’s beard but missed hitting Chuck in the face, Chuck proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the guy using nothing but his penis and elbow, Chuck has since installed security on his beard, with a deflector diverting bullets to his face, since he values his beard more than even his rugged good looks.
52. Chuck Norris can kill a dog in 7 ways, 4 of which involve throwing missiles at it.
53. Chuck Norris once went to jail. The morning after his first night all the inmates, all the guards, and the warden had bleeding assholes.
54. Chuck Norris lucky number is one, becuase thats how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.
55. If you ever get the chance to play Chuck Norris in Madden football, he will beat you 56-7.
56. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
57. Chuck Norris told that one kid from the Sixth Sense that he has AIDS. He then smiled.
58. Artificial insemination was invented when, during an intense and vigorous masturbation session, Chuck Norris’ high velocity ejaculate penetrated a woman’s vagina from a quarter of a mile away.
59. Chuck Norris once killed a man with his bare hands. He then revived him with his bare hands only to end his life with a roundhouse kick to the face.
60. Chuck Norris killed Mcgyver by making a set of nun-chucks using newspaper, two toothpicks, a womans weave, and a 3 legged dog.
61. Chuck Norris’ penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his round-house kick.
62. Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.
63. Chuck Norris can juggle 12 bar stools when drunk but only 8 when sober.
64. chuck norris invented racism because he thought the world was filled with “pussies”
65. Chuck Norris once ate a bad cheese burger at McDonalds. So he tracked down the president of the company, and round house kicked his secretary in the face so hard that she released her bowels onto the office floor. He then force fed the McDolands president the entire mess. This meal is now considered a delicacy in certain parts of the world, and can be found in certain McDonalds establishments under the name “McNorris”.
66. There was once a line of soap based off of Chuck Norris. His face was on every bar. While popular in the early 90s, the soap was discontinued after thousands of women started growing his stern yet sexy beard.
67. Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China’s “Great Wall.”
68. In an attempt to follow in the steps of Dolly Parton, Chuck Norris attempted to open a theme park. Unfortunetly the idea was cast asunder when the name “Norriswood” was already used to name his penis.
69. There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks
70. Chuck has 5 letters. Norris has 6. When placed together we get 56. 1956 was the year of the first airborn nuclear test. Coincidence? I think not.
71. Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
72. Before Chuck Norris, it used to take the Earth 365 days to revolve around the sun. Then in the fall of 1976, Chuck Norris performed a roundhouse kick so powerful, the shockwave caused the Earth to slow and since then it now takes the Earth 365 and 1/4 days to revolve around the sun. Chuck Norris is the reason we recognize leap years.
73. The LA riots where not caused by the Rodney King verdict, they were actually started when Chuck Norris let the “N” word slip after a waiter accidentally put cucumber in his salad.
74. Chuck Norris created the Total Gym by physically beating a Ford Pinto into the shape he had in his mind. The gas tank did explode during the procedure, but not so much as one hair of Chuck Norris’s beard was singed.
75. Chuck Norris wore jeans so tight his wife became sterile.
76. Chuck Norris was on a season of Survivor once, but the entire season got cut after Chuck Norris murdered everyone on the island for eating his Cheetos.
77. Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he’s escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You’ll know when it’s coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom’s garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, “Get in the Chopper” and lines like, “I’m Proud to be a Fucking American” after kicking your little sister in the face.
78. When asked his opinion about the war in Iraq, Chuck Norris said “Those Iraqis are lucky we got an army, cause if we didn’t I would be forced to over and beat the tar out of every individual within my perimeter”. He then roundhoused the reporter and walked off in anger.
79. Someone once approached Chuck Norris suggesting that rearranging the letters in his name reveals the message “I churn corks”. He then brutally murdered them saying “They knew too much”.
80. Chuck Norris once crushed a school bus full of children with his forehead.
81. Chuck Norris always keeps a Werther’s Original in his jean pocket… For the kids.
82. Chuck Norris was playing Tekken 5 one day and finally met his match. His 12-year old son beat him with Eddy Gordo by randomly pressing buttons. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked his son in the throat killing him instantly. That night Chuck Norris ate well… He ate well indeed…
83. Chuck Norris is how the West was won.
84. Jupiter’s Great Red Spot isn’t a storm. It’s where Chuck Norris puts his victims.
85. Chuck Norris eats Viagra only so that he can have an extra loaded weapon on him at all times.
86. Chuck Norris was once held prisoner back in ‘Nam. Chuck plucked a hair from his beard, picked a booger and combined them together to create a grenade launcher and killed every soldier in the prison. Once he was back in America he told his story at a bar. A desperate producer overheard his story and a light bulb lit up in his head. That night MacGyver was born.
87. Chuck Norris found Nemo.
88. Chuck Norris shot at 50 Cent 9 times, but didn’t finsh him because he wanted to do it with a roundhouse kick to the face. But 50 Cent ran in horror.
89. Chuck Norris once juggled a soccer ball 2,357 times… with just his penis.
90. Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles per hour.
91. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward.
92. Chuck Norris’ family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.
93. Few people are aware that Chuck Norris is the first person to ever be diagnosed with beard cancer. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris quickly beat the cancer into remission with a series of roundhouse kicks and rabbit punches.
94. Prince initially called “When Doves Cry” “When Chuck Cries.” After several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not only the title of the song, but his name as well.
95. Chuck Norris eats Viagra only so that he can have an extra loaded weapon on him at all times.
96. Chuck Norris was once held prisoner back in ‘Nam. Chuck plucked a hair from his beard, picked a booger and combined them together to create a grenade launcher and killed every soldier in the prison. Once he was back in America he told his story at a bar. A desperate producer overheard his story and a light bulb lit up in his head. That night MacGyver was born.
97. Chuck Norris found Nemo.
98. Chuck Norris shot at 50 Cent 9 times, but didn’t finsh him because he wanted to do it with a roundhouse kick to the face. But 50 Cent ran in horror.
99. Chuck Norris once juggled a soccer ball 2,357 times… with just his penis.
100. Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles per hour.
101. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward.
102. Chuck Norris’ family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.
103. Few people are aware that Chuck Norris is the first person to ever be diagnosed with beard cancer. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris quickly beat the cancer into remission with a series of roundhouse kicks and rabbit punches.
104. Prince initially called “When Doves Cry” “When Chuck Cries.” After several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not only the title of the song, but his name as well.
105. Chuck Norris started the ever popular beating someone’s ass with their own shoe.
106. Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.
107. Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O’Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he stated, “It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer.” They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly beat Conan O’Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris’ good name.
108. Chuck Norris was the original model for Brawney paper towels. He gained this position by winning a competition to see who could beat a women well enough to intimidate her into a life of cleaning and servitude.
109. If you watch Walker-Texas Ranger closely, you’ll notice that Chuck Norris only uses violence as a last resort, or when the world goes slo-mo.
110. Chuck Norris sheds his skin once a year.
111. In the 14th century Chuck Norris got so mad he roundhouse kicked a third of the population of Europe to death. He then forced the rest to blame it on rats or be kicked as well. This is now known as the Black Plague.
112. Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
113. Chuck Norris has a 6th, and probably a 7th sense.
114. Chuck Norris was sent to the principal’s office in fourth grade for roundhouse kicking his teacher to death… while bench pressing 5,000 lbs. and making fun of the foreign kid.
115. Chuck Norris created six extra letters of the alphabet that no one but Chuck Norris know about
116. When angered, Chuck Norris’s core temperature rises to one million times that of the sun & will destroy the entire Universe. This has happened twice so far & leading scientists claim that we are “Long Overdue” for another.
117. Did I ever tell you about the time Chuck Norris took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally Chuck Norris takes me to a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found em!’”
118. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris single-handedly ended World War II when he roundhouse kicked Hitler and Hirohito in the face and told them to stop the shit.
119. Chuck Norris’ buddy icon is a picture of Tony Danza fellating himself.
120. The medical procedure known as a “C Section” was invented after Chuck Norris’s mother ate sweettarts, or “faggot food” as he calls it, while preganant with him.
121. One time a group of evil ninja’s hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris’ beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power. Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick. He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.
122. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
123. If you count the number of individual spermatozoa your testes will produce in your lifetime, it’s still less that the number of women that have achieved orgasm by running their hands through Chuck Norris’s chest hair.
124. Chuck Norris managed to storm the beaches of Normandy in 1944, armed with only a potato peeler, and single handedly disemboweled over 5,000 German Nazi Soldiers.
125. Chuck Norris wrote the renowned “Muffin Man” rhyme, but as a method of interrogation. He’s been tracking that motherfucker for seventeen years.
126. Whenever Chuck Norris takes a dump in a public restroom he purposely hangs his butt over the side of the toilet bowl and does his duty all over the floor. He secretly hopes a korean janitor will have to clean it.
127. Whenever Chuck Norris makes a joke, the sound of an audience laughing comes out of nowhere. Chuck will then turn to you, smile, and give you two thumbs up. After that, everything freezes, even you are unable to move. The laughter then turns into music as credits begin to scroll down from thin air. Finally, your sight fades to black and there is nothing. When you regain your sight and mobility, Chuck Norris is nowhere to be found.
128. In Chuck’s earlier years he was abled to not only do a roundhouse kick but he could do it with his legs tied to his hands and an asian glued to his chest.
129. Chuck Norris auditioned for the lead role in the origional ‘Shaft’, but was told he “wasn’t black enough”. In retaliation, he killed Martin Luther King jr.
130. The only reason it is not called “The CBS Evening News with Chuck Norris” is that Dan Rather once pulled a thorn out of Chuck’s paw.
131. Chuck Norris has three birthdays a year.
132. Chuck Norris’ case of the crabs is worth 5 million in the Chinese crabbing industry.
133. One time I was trapped on the roof of a burning building with no way down. I yelled, “Help me Chuck Norris. Help me!” I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned to my right to see what it was. It was a small dot in the sky, but as I stared, the object got closer and closer. It was Chuck Norris! He landed on the roof and gave me an autographed headshot of himself. He then took off and left me there. Today, 70 percent of my body is covered with 1st degree burns. Chuck Norris is an asshole.
134. Extra long flight golf balls are filled with Chuck Norris’ semen.
135. If you think Chuck Norris can’t rape you anytime, anywhere then you are in for a rude awakening tomorrow.
136. Every morning, Chuck Norris is woken up by a beautiful supermodel. Chuck Norris, however, likes to sleep late, so he usually pushes the snooze button. (Chuck Norris defines “push the snooze button” as “punch in the face”.)
137. Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
138. The commercial says that after taking Viagra, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, you should see a doctor. Chuck Norris was too embarassed to go to the doctor, so he instead roundhouse kicked his own penis off and it became what is now known as Pikes Peak.
139. Chuck Norris once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
140. As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn’t cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise.
141. Chuck Norris’ blood type is D.O.A.
142. Chuck Norris knows why men have nipples.
143. When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.
144. If Chuck Norris invites you over for tea and asks “one lump or two” never say “two” because he’ll beat you over the head with a fully restored ‘67 Chevy Impala.
145. If you think Chuck Norris can’t rape you anytime, anywhere then you are in for a rude awakening tomorrow.
146. Every morning, Chuck Norris is woken up by a beautiful supermodel. Chuck Norris, however, likes to sleep late, so he usually pushes the snooze button. (Chuck Norris defines “push the snooze button” as “punch in the face”.)
147. Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
148. The commercial says that after taking Viagra, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, you should see a doctor. Chuck Norris was too embarassed to go to the doctor, so he instead roundhouse kicked his own penis off and it became what is now known as Pikes Peak.
149. Chuck Norris once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
150. As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn’t cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise.
151. Chuck Norris’ blood type is D.O.A.
152. Chuck Norris knows why men have nipples.
153. When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.
154. If Chuck Norris invites you over for tea and asks “one lump or two” never say “two” because he’ll beat you over the head with a fully restored ‘67 Chevy Impala.
155. Chuck Norris once filled in for Santa Claus, but was fired by Jesus because he gave every child only a Total Gym and a box set of every Walker Texas Ranger episode ever made.
156. Chuck Norris’s wife died of blood loss after his beard ripped her face off while they were having sex. When the police showed up to arrest him for her murder, he kicked their asses, then went to each of their houses and fucked their wives. And daughters. And mothers. And dogs.
157. Chuck Norris has trained his penis to roundhouse kick hookers in the head when they aren’t sucking it properly.
158. Chuck Norris hates dogs. When he was introduced to the 101 Dalmations, he roundhouse kicked every single last one of them to death. When asked why, he responded, “Disney movies are for pussies.”
159. Chuck Norris hates Spongebob Squarepants so much that he sucked up the ocean, roundhouse kicked his way into Spongbob’s pineapple house, then used him to scrub his asshole.
160. It is a little known fact that anyone who buys a Total Gym will also recieve a free naked picture of Chuck Norris. Should you decide to return your Total Gym, you will get your ass kicked, but may keep the picture as a free gift.
161. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
162. Chuck Norris once got into a fight with George Bush over who loved Texas more. After Bush was filmed wiping his ass on a DVD of the 4th season of Walker Texas Ranger, Norris burned Bush’s Crawford ranch to the ground and forced Bush to eat his own family. Alive.
163. Once, Chuck Norris got in a fight with a man in bar, and proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the shoulder so hard that he severed his arm. Norris then used the man’s own hand to rip out his still beating heart, which Norris squeezed dry, and used the blood as ketchup on his 64 oz. official “Chuck Norris” Burger from Lone Star.
164. Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris’ house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while “It’s a Hard Knock Life” plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say “Thank you, Mr. Norris.” in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
165. Chuck Norris was originally going to be Kenny on on the movie, “Half Baked” but could not because every time they did the scene with the horse the Walker Texas Ranger theme music started playing out of no where.
166. Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
167. Chuck Norris invented the haircare product “Just For Men”. He later removed it from the stores and now makes it “Just for Chuck Norris”. If you ask him to share his product, he will beat you to death and eat your children.
168. Chuck Norris didn’t start the fire, but now he kind of wishes he had.
169. Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
170. Chuck Norris is considered a weapon of mass destruction, and George W. Bush has men working 24/7 to make sure he’s not buried somewhere in Iraq.
171. Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people.
172. In WWII, Einstien and his colleague Chuck Norris were called upon to develop a weapon capable of mass destruction. They created two. One was the atom bomb. The other, the roundhouse kick. Sending Chuck Norris in to roundhouse kick everyone was much more enviromentally friendly, but in the end the government decided to use the atom bomb. When asked why, an official was quoted saying, “Our goal is to hurt Japan, not decimate it.” Hearing this comment, Chuck Norris proceeded to call the official a “pussy”, and roundhouse kicked him into a new millenium. This official is known as Al Gore.
173. The song, “I Can See Clearly Now,” was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was pissed.
174. After seeing Chuck Norris lay waste to a homeless man with his lightning breath, a Japanese film creator went home and wrote “Chuckzilla,” after realizing his mistake, he quickly recovered and renamed the movie, “Godzilla.”
175. Had the priests in “The Exorcist” just said, “The power of Chuck Norris compels you” instead of “The power of Christ compels you,” the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long.
176. After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.
177. When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.
178. By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.
179. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
180. The heavens parted, the seas quieted, the earth stood still. From her womb, the goddess brought forth Chuck Norris, sired by the sun, as a gift to mankind. He layed upon the fertile soil under the crescent moon and immediately sprouted a beard. She spoke softly to the young child and said, “Go forth and roundhouse kick people in the face.” So it was spoken, and so he does. Every now and then he also sells exercise equipment and wears awesome clothes.
181. Other than Chuck Norris, everything IS relative.
182. Chuck Norris’ penis is actually a fully developed blue whale and his balls are actually made out of brass.
183. Chuck Norris once broke a man’s neck with his ass-cheeks. He did this as part of a commercial for his new exercise equipment, The Ass Master-Blaster 5000.
184. While attempting to grow a vagina one Thursday night in September, Chuck Norris accidently grew a third penis out of his fifth ball. At this point, he drank a beer.
185. Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.
186. When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.
187. Chuck Norris has secretly kept a speech for an Oscar win for the last 25 years. It starts, “I can’t fucking believe this either, but…”
188. Recently Chuck Norris was told that Bruce Willis has given over 5 million dollars over the past year to charity. Chuck’s response: “Pussy!”
189. The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris’ highly potent seed.
190. Chuck Norris coined the phrase “mustache ride”.
191. Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson’s children.
192. Chuck Norris’ beard hair, much like tiger penis and deer antler, is believed to be an aphrodesiac in China.
193. Chuck Norris choked an estimated 400,000 Viet Kong to death in 1985.
194. Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.
195. Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.
196. When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.
197. Chuck Norris has secretly kept a speech for an Oscar win for the last 25 years. It starts, “I can’t fucking believe this either, but…”
198. Recently Chuck Norris was told that Bruce Willis has given over 5 million dollars over the past year to charity. Chuck’s response: “Pussy!”
199. The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris’ highly potent seed.
200. Chuck Norris coined the phrase “mustache ride”.
201. Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson’s children.
202. Chuck Norris’ beard hair, much like tiger penis and deer antler, is believed to be an aphrodesiac in China.
203. Chuck Norris choked an estimated 400,000 Viet Kong to death in 1985.
204. Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.
205. Chuck Norris appeared in an uncredited role in the film Bambi. He was the hunter who killed Bambi’s mom. He originally wanted to kill her with a roundhouse kick to the face, but the director changed it to a gunshot, and Chuck refused to have his name associated with the movie. Thus losing his best shot at an Oscar.
206. In “Way of the Dragon”, Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris’s chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
207. Chuck Norris once headbutted all five Baldwin brothers simultaneously. They then promptly apologized for saying “kung fu is for kung fags,” and bought Norris a $200 gift certficiate to T.G.I. Friday’s. Norris has yet to use the gift card.
208. Chuck Norris fucks on the first date.
209. Chuck Norris has steel wool instead of body hair, which is why he does the dishes naked.
210. Donald Trump once fired Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris responded by saying, “While I disagree with your firing of me, I will defend to the death your right to do it.” Chuck Norris then kicked Donald Trump through a wall.
211. Chuck Norris breifly played two seasons of minor league baseball for the Austin Ranchers in 1972. He wore a uniform made of denim.
212. The Tower of Pisa leans because Chuck Norris kicked it once while on vacation.
213. One fateful afternoon in 1987, Chuck Norris made a cameo on Sesamee Street, encouraging children to share their toys or risk getting some “Texas Justice” from mom or dad.
214. Chuck Norris once had to bend Vin Diesel over his knee and spank him after he “disrespected” the roundhouse kick.
215. The sweat from Chuck Norris’ testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.
216. Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there’s drinking, there’s fighting, where there’s fighting, there’s kicking, and where there’s kicking, there’s Chuck.
217. Chuck Norris swears he didn’t sleep with your wife. Yes, it is strange that your children show an affinity for Texas justice and beard cultivation. No, Chuck Norris does not know why your wife can only climax when you wear a karate uniform. Chuck Norris thinks you are asking the kind a questions a person asks when they want to be kicked in the face.
218. Chuck Norris sank the Titanic with a slow-motion roundhouse kick because Chuck Norris can’t stand that Celine Dion song.
219. Chuck Norris drives a pickup truck upholstered in denim.
220. Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone the size of a basketball. The stone is on display in Beaver Springs Pennsylvania, and is said to possess magical powers.
221. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.
222. Chuck Norris once escaped from a Cambodian prison camp by sanding through a rock wall with his facial hair. The guards were outraged. This is why you rarely see an Asian with a beard. Cambodian prison guards no longer allow it.
223. Chuck Norris has in fact been convicted of over 30 felony offenses ranging from manslaughter to aggravated sodomy, but the Texas, California and Arizona Departments of Correction have granted him amnesty due to the belief that the gross amount of anal rape he would perpetrate on the prisoners would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.
224. The United States armed forces currently employ Chuck Norris in testing thier Abrams Main Battle Tank before sending them into combat. This is achieved by having Chuck Norris attempt to penetrate the hull armor with a single roundhouse kick. 90% of Abrams tanks fail this test.
225. After taking a cue from George Foreman, Chuck Norris will develop his own grill that actually bullies and roundkicks the food into getting more brown.
226. Chuck Norris can catch the Gingerbread Man.
227. Chuck Norris is your father. He knocked up your mom and imtimidated your dad into raising you.
228. Chuck Norris once called a news conference to announce his retirement. He then said, “Pysch!” and killed twelve reporters.
229. Chuck Norris recieved one third of the total votes in a recent episode of “So you think you can dance”. He did not appear on the show.
230. What Kayne West forgot to tell you is Chuck Norris also does not care about black people. He does not care about white people, Asians or Hispanics. In fact all Chuck Norris cares about is Chuck Norris.
231. Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his rust-red beard.
232. G.I. Joe was originally titled: G.I. Chuck Norris, but Hasbro thought that the doll was too manly and would scare small children. They kept the Kung-fu gip.
233. Chuck Norris just saved a ton of money on his car insurance. Then he kicked somebody in the face.
234. Chuck Norris can eat an apple and crap fruit salad.
235. Chuck Norris can arm-pit fart without using his hands.
236. One time this guy dreamt about kicking Chuck Norris’ ass. His funeral was last Wednesday.
237. Chuck Norris rescued over thirteen infants from Charity Hospital following the devestation of Hurricane Katrina. He did not have a boat. He has not returned the babies.
238. Chuck Norris fought Gandhi in the very first Ultimate Fighting Championship and won in less than 15 seconds by crushing Gandhi’s rib cage with a single punch. Later, officials questioned the validity of the match, as it took place in Gandhi’s home, while he was asleep.
239. On Chuck Norris’s 16th birthday, his father bought him a prostitute. He gave her a round-house kick to the head after she refused to go a 21st time.
240. In order to save the world from an impending volcanic eruption Chuck Norris stuck his massive beard into the crater, preventing the eruption and saving, among others, Boy Scout Troop #52, which he savagly raped in celebration.
241. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.
242. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
243. David Blaine’s last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.
244. Chuck Norris finished his career with a .967 batting average, 1,828 home runs, and 10,073 RBI’s. He accomplished this feat by hitting the ball solely with a roundhouse kick.
245. Chuck Norris can arm-pit fart without using his hands.
246. One time this guy dreamt about kicking Chuck Norris’ ass. His funeral was last Wednesday.
247. Chuck Norris rescued over thirteen infants from Charity Hospital following the devestation of Hurricane Katrina. He did not have a boat. He has not returned the babies.
248. Chuck Norris fought Gandhi in the very first Ultimate Fighting Championship and won in less than 15 seconds by crushing Gandhi’s rib cage with a single punch. Later, officials questioned the validity of the match, as it took place in Gandhi’s home, while he was asleep.
249. On Chuck Norris’s 16th birthday, his father bought him a prostitute. He gave her a round-house kick to the head after she refused to go a 21st time.
250. In order to save the world from an impending volcanic eruption Chuck Norris stuck his massive beard into the crater, preventing the eruption and saving, among others, Boy Scout Troop #52, which he savagly raped in celebration.
251. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.
252. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
253. David Blaine’s last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.
254. Chuck Norris finished his career with a .967 batting average, 1,828 home runs, and 10,073 RBI’s. He accomplished this feat by hitting the ball solely with a roundhouse kick.
255. In Texas the new death penalty is a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.
256. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
257. Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming “Who’s a CAT 5 now bitch?!”
258. Chuck Norris, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar. They both got their asses roundhouse kicked.
259. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.
260. Chuck Norris once killed a judge and was sent to Alcatraz just to prove he could escape.
261. If you paint one painting, you’re not a painter. But Chuck Norris baked one cake, and he currently holds the record for “World’s Best Baker”.
262. Chuck Norris cares about black people… just not the one on Walker.
263. Instead of saying “Friend” to open up the doors to the Mines of Moria, Gandalf could have simply just said “Chuck Norris”.
264. When Chuck Norris’ head hurts, he hurts it back.
265. On the 6th day, God created Chuck Norris. On the 7th day, God rested. On the 8th day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God and took over.
266. Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.
267. Chuck Norris only has sex with AIDS-infected hookers to, “Put the sport back into it.”
268. It is impossible for Chuck Norris to rape anyone because who would turn Chuck Norris down?
269. Chuck Norris is both the cause of, and cure for cancer.
270. Chuck Norris single-handedly built the Great Wall of China after losing a bet with Buddha.
271. Chuck Norris holds the world record for the shortest high school graduation speech. He simply walked out, grabbed the microphone and said venomously “If the bitch don’t swallow, then you need to stomp her in the gut and go get a real fucking woman! I’m sick of this shit!” He then threw the microphone to the floor and stormed off stage.
272. During a challenging game of “Operation” with his grandmother, Chuck Norris inadvertantly touched one of the sides due to a tickle from his massive beard while trying to remove the “Charlie Horse” game piece. Chuck Norris became so enraged, Chuck Norris stabbed and killed his grandmother with the tweezers Chuck Norris held in his hands. Chuck Norris was also flustered with the fact the the games character had no penis. Later, a Chuck Norris version of the game was released. Men died and women became pregnant upon sight of the gameboard.
273. Because of his love for the environment, Chuck Norris doesn’t run his vehicles on fossil fuels, but instead heats live cats to 600 degrees Fahrenheit, then uses the remains as a potent bio-fuel. Norris claims he averages 40 miles to a cat.
274. Contrary to popular belief, Superman is not just weak against kryptonite. His other weakness is Chuck Norris.
275. Chuck Norris wears glasses that make everyone look Asian. This is why he kicks so many people in the face.
276. The only way Chuck Norris can reach climax is if there’s a vietnamese family begging for their lives nearby.
277. The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, is based on the true story of Chuck Norris and his throbing penis.
278. Chuck Norris can throw a 135 mph fastball with his moustache.
279. Chuck Norris can do 1000 push-ups with his penis.
280. Chuck Norris doesn’t rely on a “pussy ass immune system”, as he calls it. Instead there is a school of piranha that inhabits his circulatory system.
281. The novel “Why Peter Pan Hates Mexicans” is based on the childhood of Chuck Norris.
282. Chuck Norris is an anagram for “Shrink Occur”. That is why your testicles feel small whenever you look upon his mighty visage.
283. You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of Chuck Norris.
284. Pretzels make Chuck Norris thirsty. Nonetheless, he continues to eat them.
285. In Chuck’s homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.
286. Chuck Norris’ left testicle was declared The Milky Way’s tenth planet in 1978. His right testicle remains the Duke of The Thirteenth Republic of South Greenwich.
287. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect.
288. Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming, “Who’s a Category 5 now bitch?!”
289. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
290. Chuck Norris use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.
291. In an alternate universe, the clean-shave Chuck Norris of the 1970s is engaged in an epic battle with the bearded Chuck Norris of the 80s and 90s. The result of this conflict is the Aurora Borealis.
292. When Meatloaf said he’d do anything for love, but he won’t do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.
293. Wolverine from the X-men is based entirely on Chuck Norris and was originally called “Chuck Norris” instead. When Chuck Norris threatened to sue for the use of his likeness, they cut off his beard, gave him a queer hair cut, and called him Wolverine. This allowed them to keep the parts that are true, like the ability to heal, the claws, and the adamantium skeleton.
294. If Chuck Norris were a nation, he would be the world’s fifth largest economy.
295. In Chuck’s homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.
296. Chuck Norris’ left testicle was declared The Milky Way’s tenth planet in 1978. His right testicle remains the Duke of The Thirteenth Republic of South Greenwich.
297. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect.
298. Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming, “Who’s a Category 5 now bitch?!”
299. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
300. Chuck Norris use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.

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