Daily facts, Amusing, Fun, Funny Daily Facts

Chuck Norris Facts *part 3

Another 300 of facts about Chuck Norris, you just can’t get enough of them, can you?

1. In 1979, Chuck Norris became the first black man to win the New York Marathon.
2. When boiled in hot water, the hair from Chuck Norris’s beard turns into crack cocaine.
3. While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can’t do that, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
4. Chuck Norris only wears shirts that are made in Bangladesh, by children slaves.
5. Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.
6. Chuck Norris is the reason you have a penis.
7. The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.
8. Chuck Norris NEVER loses at the game “Operation”.
9. It is well known that Chuck Norris weightlifts a lot, but it is not well known that he refuses to weightlift unless he is skydiving from 45,000 feet, without a parachute.
10. Chuck Norris coined the phrase, “Don’t come near me mother fucker or I’ll roundhouse kick the shit out of you.” The phrase has since been changed to, “Don’t mess with Texas.”
11. It never rains on Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
13. A dingo didn’t eat her baby, Chuck Norris did.
14. Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
15. The only time Chuck Norris fucked up, was when he thought he fucked up.
16. Chuck Norris will be cloned in the 31st Century and defeat the invading aliens by playing the theme from “Walker, Texas Ranger” on the largest sound system the resistance can find.
17. If Chuck Norris looks you in the eye, you will explode.
18. In 1979, Chuck Norris swallowed a woman’s uterus whole. Later that year he gave birth to Vin Diesel.
19. Before Chuck Norris shoots a scene for “Walker, Texas Ranger”, he eats two bowls of Cheerios garnished with Cocaine.
20. Chuck Norris’ penis has a toe nail.
21. Whenever you walk into a diner, be sure to tell em’, “Chuck Norris sent me.”
22. Chuck Norris invented the moon. Twice.
23. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
24. Chuck Norris caused the 80’s band Genesis to break up. Not because of artistic differences, but because Chuck Norris demanded that one member of the band follow him around at all times to perform live theme music for his daily life. Phil Collins provides personal favorites “I can’t dance” and “One more night” for Norris’ workouts and a personal montage for trying on funny hats and tank tops. Also, all roundhouse kicks to the face are emphasized with an emphatic “SSussudiO!!!!” Meanwhile, Peter Gabriel croons the Chuck and the ladies to Chuck’s personal love-making tune, “Sledgehammer”.
25. Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris’ favorite food.
26. If anyone were to watch more than two episodes of Walker Texas Ranger in a three hour period, their TV will explode due to “Awesomeness Overload”.
27. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. Chuck Norris came first.
28. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter. And he’ll roundhouse kick your ass if you say otherwise.
29. Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
30. The reason men castrate themselves is because they’re afraid of getting kicked in balls by Chuck Norris.
31. Chuck Norris is listed on the New York stock exchange.
32. Chuck can reverse his eyeballs 180 degrees allowing him to see inside his own brain, thus rendering his opponent useless as he can anticipate any possible attack scenarios.
33. Chuck Norris’ hair is more addictive than heroin.
34. Chuck Norris has a house that is in fact round.
35. Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up.
36. Chuck Norris can make your nose bleed with his mind.
37. Chuck Norris’ beard once had it’s own series on daytime TV. The beard gave advice to quarreling couples on how to resolve their differences. Unfortunately it was axed after the beard advised one man to rip off one of his wife’s arms and make her stir his soup PROPERLY.
38. Chuck Norris fucked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. Tough shit.
39. Chuck Norris can impregnate women by simply raising his right eyebrown. He can impregnate men by raising his left eyebrow but he doesn’t bother because he doesn’t want a world like that crap Ahnuld film “Junior”.
40. Chuck Norris did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the crap out of both of them.
41. Why did the midget cross the road? Because Chuck Norris pistol-whipped it in the skull.
42. Chuck Norris once appeared on an episode of “Leave It To Beaver”. It was the last episode, in which he played a psychotic chainsaw wielding Chippendale dancer. He totally boned June Cleaver.
43. While serving in Vietnam, Chuck Norris’s diet consisted of trail mix made from the testcles of enemy soldiers. He also threw in a handful of roasted almonds to build muscle.
44. Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Then fucking slaughtered them all.
45. Chuck Norris doesn’t brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.
46. Chuck Norris can make your nose bleed with his mind.
47. Chuck Norris’ beard once had it’s own series on daytime TV. The beard gave advice to quarreling couples on how to resolve their differences. Unfortunately it was axed after the beard advised one man to rip off one of his wife’s arms and make her stir his soup PROPERLY.
48. Chuck Norris fucked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. Tough shit.
49. Chuck Norris can impregnate women by simply raising his right eyebrown. He can impregnate men by raising his left eyebrow but he doesn’t bother because he doesn’t want a world like that crap Ahnuld film “Junior”.
50. Chuck Norris did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the crap out of both of them.
51. Why did the midget cross the road? Because Chuck Norris pistol-whipped it in the skull.
52. Chuck Norris once appeared on an episode of “Leave It To Beaver”. It was the last episode, in which he played a psychotic chainsaw wielding Chippendale dancer. He totally boned June Cleaver.
53. While serving in Vietnam, Chuck Norris’s diet consisted of trail mix made from the testcles of enemy soldiers. He also threw in a handful of roasted almonds to build muscle.
54. Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Then fucking slaughtered them all.
55. Chuck Norris doesn’t brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.
56. If you trek to England to see Stonehenge, you will be greatly disappointed. Chuck Norris broke the stones with nothing more than the side of his right hand. His left was rendered useless by the 12-pack he was drinking at the same time.
57. Chuck Norris was visiting an elementary school teaching pupils about discipline through martial arts. At the end of his lecture he asked if there were any questions. One child put his hand up and asked who his mentors were when he was a child. Upon hearing this, Norris went over to the child, bent down and screamed in his ear “You can’t handle the truth!” before delivering a roundhouse kick to the throat. That’ll teach the little bastard.
58. Obviously, on the seventh day God did not rest. He created Chuck Norris; his most successful creation.
59. Chuck Norris was the original inspiration for MacGayver, but producers felt his excessive use of his own semen for his contraptions was inapropriate for television and a penis double was never found for shots Norris called “too gay”.
60. Chuck Norris does not buy his beef in the store. No, he goes into a pasture and starts eating a cow alive while it is grazing.
61. When Chuck Norris dies, the universe will implode. It’s true, it has to be.
62. Chuck Norris’s poop is considered currency in a remote corner of Mongolia.
63. Ever wonder how bacon was created? Chuck Norris karate chopped a pig so many times so all that was left were thin strips of meat. He then cooked them with his fire breathing ability and bacon was invented. His beard suggested the name.
64. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
65. Chuck Norris can remotely impregnate women.
66. Chuck Norris knows his jeans are tight but does’t give a flying fuck.
67. Chuck Norris ate the last piece of pizza. What are you gonna do about it?
68. Chuck Norris once declared war on the city of Atlantis. He won.
69. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
70. Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
71. Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle, the tenth member of the Fellowship of the Ring, and wrote the Bible. Of course we don’t know this because Chuck Norris, being the humble soul he is, roundhouse kicked all knowledge of this out of existence.
72. Every time you litter, Chuck Norris cries, then he’ll roundhouse kick your grandma.
73. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
74. Chuck Norris thinks trucker hats are for douche bags… and truckers.
75. Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.
76. Chuck Norris once simultaneously porked 476 women while single-handedly defeating the entire Canadian army.
77. Santa Claus didn’t bring Chuck Norris a gift one Christmas. Chuck caught him as he left the North Pole the following year and roundhouse kicked Santa so hard the Earth tilted off it’s axis and stayed that way.
78. Contrary to popular belief, a meteor did not end the dinosaurs’ existance. It was Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick; it was so powerful it left a massive crater in the earth.
79. There is a line of fine print in the declaration of independence that reads, “All men are created equal with one exception. Chuck Norris is equal to 350,000 men.” Thomas Jefferson had no choice but to add this line when Chuck Norris single-handedly and accidentally won the American Revolution while doing light calisthenics. He then ripped out Jefferson’s throat for not writing it earlier, and replaced all the signatures on the declaration with his own.
80. Chuck Norris is the best Counter-Strike player there ever was. And he doesn’t even use a computer to play.
81. Chuck Norris once played a game of strip poker with Loki. Loki, however, cheated and won, leaving Chuck standing naked before him, which caused the god to lust after his outstanding body figure. Chuck then said, “I see that twinkle in your eyes,” and kicked Loki in the nuts.
82. Chuck Norris was originally casted as Tony Montana in the movie Scarface. When Chuck first said the line, “Fuck you meng,” the director immidiately pissed his pants. He was then greeted with a roundhouse kick to the orbital bone and Chuck Norris was thrown off the set.
83. You know why people win the lottery? Because Chuck Norris once gave them the thumbs-up sign.
84. Once Chuck Norris was asked what he thought was the cause of the dismal successs of the movie Sidekick. He started the war in Kosovo the next day.
85. Chuck Norris invented the Internet; not Al Gore. In fact, he got a roundhouse kick in the testicles for saying that he did.
86. Chuck Norris isn’t God, but he beats Him in golf.
87. Chuck Norris can put his arm back on, but you can’t. So play safe.
88. Chuck Norris’ smile can blind a full-grown adult at twenty paces and has been known to deflect all projectile weapons, including rocket launchers.
89. If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he’ll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he’ll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion.
90. Some scientists still refer to supernovas as “The Chuck Norris Effect”. These scientists also think that comets are Chuck’s sperm.
91. Chuck Norris was kicked out of the National Kickball League for roundhouse kicking the balls through people’s torsos.
92. Chuck Norris once lined up in the shotgun-formation, only to be narrowly sacked by the opposing defensive end, Chuck Norris. Never the less, after throwing the Hail-Chuck Norris to All-Pro Wideout, Chuck Norris, notorious steroid using Cornerback, Chuck Norris, out of the Universit of Chuck Norris located in Walker, Texas, intercepted the football. John Madden was so confused, he ate Al Michaels.
93. Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.
94. Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer by kicking the air.
95. Bruce Lee’s death (brain swelling) was directly related to Chuck Norris recieving second place to him in a martial arts contest. Coincidence? Norris doesn’t think so.
96. Chuck Norris isn’t God, but he beats Him in golf.
97. Chuck Norris can put his arm back on, but you can’t. So play safe.
98. Chuck Norris’ smile can blind a full-grown adult at twenty paces and has been known to deflect all projectile weapons, including rocket launchers.
99. If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he’ll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he’ll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion.
100. Some scientists still refer to supernovas as “The Chuck Norris Effect”. These scientists also think that comets are Chuck’s sperm.
101. Chuck Norris was kicked out of the National Kickball League for roundhouse kicking the balls through people’s torsos.
102. Chuck Norris once lined up in the shotgun-formation, only to be narrowly sacked by the opposing defensive end, Chuck Norris. Never the less, after throwing the Hail-Chuck Norris to All-Pro Wideout, Chuck Norris, notorious steroid using Cornerback, Chuck Norris, out of the Universit of Chuck Norris located in Walker, Texas, intercepted the football. John Madden was so confused, he ate Al Michaels.
103. Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.
104. Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer by kicking the air.
105. Bruce Lee’s death (brain swelling) was directly related to Chuck Norris recieving second place to him in a martial arts contest. Coincidence? Norris doesn’t think so.
106. Chuck Norris does not need to use his hands while masturbating. He instead silently glares at his penis, which then proceeds to jerk itself off, for fear of being evaporated by Chuck’s heat vision, and then replaced by a regrown penis, 365 times bigger than it. 365 for the amount of days a year Chuck Norris kicks ass. And if you ask Chuck about leap years, he will roundhouse your face. There are no leap years in Chuck Norris Land.
107. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
108. It is commonly known that Eve was created from the rib of Adam, but few know that Chuck Norris was actually created using Adam’s genitals.
109. Chuck Norris once caught a leprachaun.
110. CNN was originally the “Chuck Norris Network” but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers’ eyeballs.
111. Chuck Norris was intended to play Luke in Star Wars, but Chuck decided that Luke was too much of a bitch.
112. Chuck Norris is a sensitive soul who writes beautiful poetry under a female pseudonym. But if he ever catches you reading it, he’ll kick your pansy ass.
113. Chuck Norris’ belly button is an “inny”. Inside Chuck’s belly button is an alternate universe where thousands of Chuck Norriseseseses are training to get their buddies out of a Viet-Cong P.O.W. camp.
114. Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of those who make fun of him.
115. Chuck Norris drinks a concoction of liquid hot magma, gasoline, and Tropicana Pure Premium Original Orange Juice. Don’t give Norris any pulp, or he’ll give you the roundhouse.
116. Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always “carrying a concealed weapon”.
117. One drop of Chuck Norris’ sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
118. Chuck Norris lifts weights three times a week with Jesus and Mr. Clean.
119. The scene from Scarface where Tony sniffs the table mountain of coke was inspired Chuck Norris’ Super Sweet 16.
120. If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.
121. When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, “I sometimes love too much.” He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.
122. Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.
123. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful soliude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
124. Chuck Norris did not read the terms of agreement, but clicked the “I Agree” button anyway.
125. Michael Jackson’s face is a result of a Chuck Norris ass kicking.
126. The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
127. Chuck Norris is the real father of Britney’s baby, despite the fact that he’s had 13 vasectomies. Chaoticians around the world cite the reason for this as being, “Life finds a way.”
128. When Chuck Norris falls asleep time stops out of fear of waking him up, thus creating the illusion that Chuck never sleeps.
129. Continental Drift is caused by the Earth trying to make room for Chuck Norris.
130. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
131. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
132. Chuck Norris defeated Hulk Hogan at the battle of Little Big Horn.
133. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
134. Though the creators of The Matrix were close to the truth, there were several glaring errors. For one, we are not inside of a giant computer, but rather the mind of Chuck Norris. Also, the people in “The Matrix” are granted glimpses into the real world, this is via Conan O’Brien’s now classic bit: The Walker Texas Ranger Lever.
135. Chuck Norris framed OJ.
136. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his grandmother in the mouth on Christmas morning. Socks again.
137. Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
138. Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
139. Chuck Norris once ate 73 hot dogs in 2 minutes and the resulting shit formed the Taj Mahal.
140. Chuck Norris was voted “Most likely to save a POW using a mule kick” by his senior class.
141. On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.
142. Chuck Norris had a twin brother, but killed him in the womb when he first learned how to kick.
143. Chuck Norris and God go way back. They served in ‘Nam together, Chuck saved God’s ass by taking 84 bullets in the groin, abdomen, and chest Of course Chuck didn’t do this to save God, bullets to him are like food to us, it fuels him, he subsequently used his penis to torch ‘Nam and was back in time for tea, which for Chuck Norris is 20 bullets in the back.
144. You know sometimes you feel kinda depressed but you don’t know why? That’s because Chuck Norris is asleep.
145. Chuck Norris taught the Crane Kick to Mr. Miyagi. He created it when he picked “Faggot” in Charades.
146. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his grandmother in the mouth on Christmas morning. Socks again.
147. Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
148. Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
149. Chuck Norris once ate 73 hot dogs in 2 minutes and the resulting shit formed the Taj Mahal.
150. Chuck Norris was voted “Most likely to save a POW using a mule kick” by his senior class.
151. On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.
152. Chuck Norris had a twin brother, but killed him in the womb when he first learned how to kick.
153. Chuck Norris and God go way back. They served in ‘Nam together, Chuck saved God’s ass by taking 84 bullets in the groin, abdomen, and chest Of course Chuck didn’t do this to save God, bullets to him are like food to us, it fuels him, he subsequently used his penis to torch ‘Nam and was back in time for tea, which for Chuck Norris is 20 bullets in the back.
154. You know sometimes you feel kinda depressed but you don’t know why? That’s because Chuck Norris is asleep.
155. Chuck Norris taught the Crane Kick to Mr. Miyagi. He created it when he picked “Faggot” in Charades.
156. Chuck Norris likes “Sunny D” because it contains his favorite things. Oranges and motor oil.
157. Chuck Norris once was approached by a man who said, “Hello, I’m John Joeseph Jonny Jr.” Realizing that this was an awesomely toungue tying name, he proceeded to give Mr. Jonny a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, “Shut up. I’m Chuck Norris.”
158. Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title.
159. Chuck Norris is the only human in recorded history to ever actually walk on the ocean floor.
160. Chinese women gargle a mixture of panther blood and Chuck Norris’s pubic hair to insure that they conceive male children.
161. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires, but he likes toasty marshmellows.
162. Chuck Norris can survive fatalities on Mortal Kombat.
163. If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is “fluent in over 6 million forms of communication”. Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin.
164. A midget, a rabbi, and a horse all walk into a bar. Ah, fuck it. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all their asses.
165. Chuck Norris thinks that cards are impersonal. To add his own brand of originality, he painstakingly makes a message out of tiny razors which he then attaches to his foot. When the lucky birthday boy/girl sees Chuck, he roundhouse kicks them in the stomach and delivers his well wishes in a present that will stay for life.
166. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.
167. Chuck Norris has had over a thousand children and he has eaten every one of them.
168. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
169. We are all but figments of Chuck Norris’s imagination.
170. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it’s technical term: Jupiter.
171. When Chuck Norris was 7 years old, he played T-ball in his town’s little league. All of the other kids would make fun of little Chucky because of his beard. One day, in order to send a message, Chuck took aim and hit a line drive so hard, it hit an outfielder and obliterated the kid’s face into dust particles. The child’s lifeless decapitated body lay there with brain matter sprayed all about. To this day, Chuck Norris will pimp slap anybody who gives him any shit about it.
172. Chuck Norris had the head-gear braces when he was 13. Tired of being made fun of by the retarted kids, at 14, he roundhouse kicked the head-gear off and roundhouse kicked his teeth into place. Chuck Norris’ teeth are now the base for all teeth transplants.
173. Chuck Norris once had sexual intercourse with a female Blue Whale just to prove he was the most masculine beast on the planet.
174. Chuck Norris not only brushes his teeth with a wire brush, and showers using steel wool as a washcloth, he also single handedly identified every UFO ever seen.
175. Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
176. Chuck Norris is actually the undefeated champion of the popular Japanese television show, “Iron Chef”. His secret ingredient: love.
177. Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.
178. Chuck Norris once fought of 767 wild Grizzly bears which is why they are now endangered.
179. All men used to be gay. Then Chuck Norris decided that he would give women a shot. The rest is history.
180. On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.
181. Chuck Norris filled the earth’s oceans when he shook his beard dry after a sparring session with Thor.
182. Hurricane Katrina was caused solely by Chuck Norris’ distaste for jambalaya.
183. One day Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at McDonalds. When the employee asked him if he wanted fries with that, Chuck Norris had sex with his girlfriend, taped it, and mailed the tape to him for Christmas.
184. Chuck Norris thinks Curt Schilling is a pussy and should shut his mouth about his bloody sock. Says Norris in next week’s SI: “I once took out a whole gang of bank robbers with two bloody ankles, but since I wear cowboy boots, nobody saw them.” Making a big mistake, Tom Verducci yawned during the interview, and was immediately roundhouse kicked in the face.
185. If you loudly chant the incantation “Chuck Norris” ten times in a dark room, all of your friends will simaltaneously and instantly be decapitated.
186. Chuck Norris made earth in seven days. He later sold the rights God.
187. Chuck Norris never gets turned away at the door of a club. Not even for wearing a pink sleeveless shirt.
188. Chuck Norris once donated 10 liters of his own blood. After that he won the Tour de France on a pogo stick.
189. Much like the biblical legend Samson, Chuck Norris’s beard is the source of his power. Shave it off, and he becomes merely a mortal who could still kick your ass.
190. Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn’t want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.
191. The beard of Chuck Norris is made of razor wire, painted with ox blood, and held together by the souls of mortals he has defeated.
192. Chuck Norris is watching you poop, and waiting for the perfect moment to strike a kick so hard that you vomit your own crap, vital organs, and DVD copies of “Sidekicks”, starring Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris.
193. Chuck Norris’s favorite vegetable is Terri Schiavo.
194. Chuck Norris ejaculates shotgun shells. This is the reason why 5 prostitutes have been found D.O.A. with their face blown off in Texas.
195. Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every full moon.
196. Chuck Norris made earth in seven days. He later sold the rights God.
197. Chuck Norris never gets turned away at the door of a club. Not even for wearing a pink sleeveless shirt.
198. Chuck Norris once donated 10 liters of his own blood. After that he won the Tour de France on a pogo stick.
199. Much like the biblical legend Samson, Chuck Norris’s beard is the source of his power. Shave it off, and he becomes merely a mortal who could still kick your ass.
200. Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn’t want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.
201. The beard of Chuck Norris is made of razor wire, painted with ox blood, and held together by the souls of mortals he has defeated.
202. Chuck Norris is watching you poop, and waiting for the perfect moment to strike a kick so hard that you vomit your own crap, vital organs, and DVD copies of “Sidekicks”, starring Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris.
203. Chuck Norris’s favorite vegetable is Terri Schiavo.
204. Chuck Norris ejaculates shotgun shells. This is the reason why 5 prostitutes have been found D.O.A. with their face blown off in Texas.
205. Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every full moon.
206. Chudk Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.
207. The name Chuck Norris translates to perfection in twenty different languages.
208. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.
209. I once asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, and he signed his name as “Daffy Duck”. When I confronted him, he kicked my teeth in.
210. Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video.
211. Mark Magwire tested positive for Chuck Norris testosterone, the strongest steroid in the history of time.
212. Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.
213. Chuck Norris can bench-press the moon.
214. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
215. Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.
216. Chuck Norris was the secret briefcase item in Pulp Fiction.
217. Chuck Norris’ mom was a virgin when she had him. Apparently, his testosterone levels are so high, he was able to impregnate her before he was even conceived.
218. Scientists are trying to determine whether it is possible for Chuck Norris to deliver a roundhouse kick so powerful that even Chuck Norris himself could not withstand it. Much of the research centers around Chuck Norris’ beard, which is believed to be his source of ultimate power.
219. The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.
220. Chuck Norris actually died in 1986, but Heaven didn’t want him since he was known to rip the wings of angels.
221. Chuck Norris wears bio-enginered ranglers that don’t rip when he kicks.
222. Chuck Norris is, in fact, a species. The rest of his kind died out with the dinosaurs.
223. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
224. Some people eat pepperoni on their pizza. Some people have canadian bacon. Chuck Norris usually has Venezuela.
225. Chuck Norris was the original TV dad for the Keatons on the sitcom Family Ties, however when he found out that pussy Michael J. Fox was gonna play his son, he called them all faggots, punched a hole in the front door with his pinky, fucked Meredith Baxter-Birney, and Michael Gross got the part instead.
226. On August 12th of the year 1349, Chuck Norris used the Lord’s name in vain. Some priests then tried to burn him at the stake for blasphemy. Right before they would light the fire, God came down and said “Hey assholes, give him a fucking break. Its fucking Chuck Norris. Christ.” In case you were wondering, when I say “used the Lord’s name in vain,” the name to which I refer is Chuck Norris.
227. In the beginning God created Chuck Norris, but only because Chuck told him too or he’d kick God’s ass.
228. Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.
229. It is widely known that Chuck Norris does not know the meaning of the word “Pain”. What is not widely known is that this is not due to any manner of superior physical fortitude, but rather his crippling illiteracy. He does, however, know the meaning of the term “Cleveland Steamer” which he uses on a nearly daily basis.
230. The city of Atlantis was lost after Chuck Norris developed ADD and become bored holding it up.
231. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
232. Chuck Norris created the world, then he gave it a roundhouse kick in the northern hemisphere and created continents.
233. Chuck Norris eats fire and then poops out pure gold.
234. People like being Mr. Rogers neighbor. Not because they live near Mr. Rogers, but because Chuck Norris is the neighborhood watchman.
235. Chuck Norris likes to tell people they have AIDS.
236. You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he fucking robbed you, drowned your child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.
237. Chuck Norris hasn’t set foot in his backyard since 1985. When asked to explain this fact, he simply said, “Some wounds go too deep.”
238. California road kill is actually the result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a possum in China.
239. The Great Wall of China was in fact created to keep Chuck Norris from invading, not the Mongols.
240. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
241. Chuck Norris’ beard, though smaller than that of grizzly Adams, is arguably more impressive because of it’s ability to stay on Chuck’s chin. Can Grizzley Adams’ beard stay on Chuck’s chin? No. It cannot.
242. According to recently discovered ancient texts, God didn’t rest on the seventh day but instead combined all of his powers to create the ultimate being: a super powered, ninja-pirate, with a sweet red beard and the ability to entertain millions. His name of course was Chuck Norris.
243. Chuck Norris has had anal sex with your girlfriend.
244. Roughly a quarter of all these Chuck Norris facts were submitted by Vin Diesel, who is unaware that the Vin Diesel fact generator even exists.
245. Chuck Norris once kicked a midget in the vagina and then the midget morphed into Carrot Top.
246. You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he fucking robbed you, drowned your child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.
247. Chuck Norris hasn’t set foot in his backyard since 1985. When asked to explain this fact, he simply said, “Some wounds go too deep.”
248. California road kill is actually the result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a possum in China.
249. The Great Wall of China was in fact created to keep Chuck Norris from invading, not the Mongols.
250. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
251. Chuck Norris’ beard, though smaller than that of grizzly Adams, is arguably more impressive because of it’s ability to stay on Chuck’s chin. Can Grizzley Adams’ beard stay on Chuck’s chin? No. It cannot.
252. According to recently discovered ancient texts, God didn’t rest on the seventh day but instead combined all of his powers to create the ultimate being: a super powered, ninja-pirate, with a sweet red beard and the ability to entertain millions. His name of course was Chuck Norris.
253. Chuck Norris has had anal sex with your girlfriend.
254. Roughly a quarter of all these Chuck Norris facts were submitted by Vin Diesel, who is unaware that the Vin Diesel fact generator even exists.
255. Chuck Norris once kicked a midget in the vagina and then the midget morphed into Carrot Top.
256. Chuck Norris can have as much homosexual sex as he wants and still be considered straight. This ability was given to him by the Pope, out of gratitude for the movie “Missing in Action”.
257. Chuck Norris helped Jesus through the hard times, giving him strength by quoting the Scripture. (Norris had somehow gotten his hands on an advance copy of the New Testament, but couldn’t bring himself to tell Jesus how it all ended.)
258. While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.
259. Chuck’s beard was the inspiration for steel wool.
260. Chuck Norris wipes standing up.
261. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
262. They say the rain is God’s tears, after Chuck Norris is done with him.
263. After eating a series of spoiled cabbage, Chuck Norris shat a turd with magical abilities. He named it Yoda and roundhouse kicked it to a galaxy far, far away.
264. Every time Chuck Norris kicks someone’s ass, he staples a certificate of authenticity to their bruises.
265. Chuck Norris taught Grizzly Adams how to grow a beard.
266. Chuck Norris in fact won the Madden 2005 National Competition by default after all his competitors mysteriously withdrew from the competition with roundhouse to the face related injuries.
267. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
268. When Chuck Norris farts, it smells like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.
269. Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego.
270. Chuck Norris once played an intense game of backgammon against a Mexican Army. The events of this game were recorded in print and have since been called “The Alamo” by several noted historians.
271. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
272. The last thing anyone remembers about Chuck Norris is a roundhouse kick to the face.
273. Chuck Norris is so manly that men who are not attracted to his penis are considered gay.
274. Chuck Norris doesn’t love Raymond.
275. Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with “Weights don’t hit back” and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
276. Each red and white blood cell in Chuck Norris’ bloodstream has its own beard.
277. If you drop a phonograph needle on Chuck Norris’ nipple, it plays the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds.
278. Chuck Norris can lift a mountain over his head with one arm and make a perfect pitcher of Kool Aid with the other.
279. The 1 of 5 dentists that didn’t recommend Chuck Norris got a roundhouse kick to the face.
280. The Grand Canyon is the result of Chuck Norris’ temper tantrum after he lost the election. His platform was, “I’m against abortion, but for killing babies.”
281. Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn’t ever run away again.
282. Chuck Norris’s brain played Krang in the popular television show “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. His brain was often caught sleeping with April O’Neil.
283. Chuck Norris eats pills that contain fatal diseases for breakfast.
284. Chuck Norris has done approximatly five hundred thousand dollars worth of damage just from kicking people out windows.
285. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that Jesse became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.
286. Chuck Norris tried to stop looters in New Orleans purely with positive thought. When that failed he shot them 14 times in the face with an assault rifle.
287. Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.
288. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a 1:3 scale model of Chuck Norris’ flacid penis.
289. Chuck Norris’ idea for alternative fuel was rejected by the EPA because the main ingredients were bald eagle heads and faberge eggs.
290. Chuck Norris keeps a Total Gym in his backpack that he wears at all times. If at any point Chuck feels like his masculinity is questioned, he will bust out the Total Gym, rip his shirt off, and start working out at a cardio-vascular pace. All while repeating “Look how hairy I am!” over and over again.
291. Chuck Norris was the Fifth Ninja Turtle, but he was kicked out when he refused to wear a protective shell and continued to maintain that “Roundhouse Kick” was the only weapon he needed.
292. Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small vaginas growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant pussy.
293. Chuck Norris has no mother. He made himself out of a peice of string, some leaves, and some pointy sticks.
294. Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, “Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless.”
295. Chuck Norris can charge a cellular phone just by rubbing it against his beard.
296. Chuck Norris tried to stop looters in New Orleans purely with positive thought. When that failed he shot them 14 times in the face with an assault rifle.
297. Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.
298. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a 1:3 scale model of Chuck Norris’ flacid penis.
299. Chuck Norris’ idea for alternative fuel was rejected by the EPA because the main ingredients were bald eagle heads and faberge eggs.
300. Chuck Norris keeps a Total Gym in his backpack that he wears at all times. If at any point Chuck feels like his masculinity is questioned, he will bust out the Total Gym, rip his shirt off, and start working out at a cardio-vascular pace. All while repeating “Look how hairy I am!” over and over again.

Daily Facts