Daily facts, Amusing, Fun, Funny Daily Facts

Chuck Norris Facts *part 2

Here goes, another 300 of facts on Chuck Norris, enjoy!

1. Chuck Norris is currently working for Milf hunter. Watch out Moms.
2. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.
6. Chuck Norris is what happens when Bigfoot and the Yeti get drunk.
7. Chuck Norris recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an arm wrestling match.
8. Chuck Norris once fought 43 midgets and a lion on Pay Per View. After slaughtering the midgets Chuck Norris could not destroy the lion since it was his biological father.
9. Chuck Norris began the Church of England in 1799, back when his nickname was “England”.
10. Kryptonite only makes Chuck Norris stronger. This fact led to the now famous incident when he called Superman a “Pussy”.
11. Defying the greatest physicists of the time, Chuck Norris proved that the Earth is not the center of the Universe, but that in fact he is. To avoid suspicion, Chuck Norris now resides in the center of the Sun.
12. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
13. Chuck Norris once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time.
14. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
15. Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.
16. Chuck Norris is what happens when Bigfoot and the Yeti get drunk.
17. Chuck Norris recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an arm wrestling match.
18. Chuck Norris once fought 43 midgets and a lion on Pay Per View. After slaughtering the midgets Chuck Norris could not destroy the lion since it was his biological father.
19. Chuck Norris began the Church of England in 1799, back when his nickname was “England”.
20. Kryptonite only makes Chuck Norris stronger. This fact led to the now famous incident when he called Superman a “Pussy”.
21. Defying the greatest physicists of the time, Chuck Norris proved that the Earth is not the center of the Universe, but that in fact he is. To avoid suspicion, Chuck Norris now resides in the center of the Sun.
22. WWI? That never happened. It was Chuck Norris trying to prove to Cheech Marin that Germany was in fact stronger than France after a particularly disasterous game of Risk.
23. Chuck Norris is actually asexual. He reproduces similarly to salmon, in that he lays his eggs, then comes back months later to fertilize them himself.
24. Chuck Norris is single-handedly responsible for the creation of every sexual-education video in history.
25. Chuck Norris once went round the world in 79 days, and promptly dove to a depth of 21000 leagues under the sea. He the hunted down Jules Verne and pimp-slapped the world-renowned author.
26. Much like the porcupine, Chuck Norris floats in water. Also much like the porcupine, Chuck Norris’s facial hair can stiffen into needles, but he finds it difficult to comb his beard that way, and thus abstains from it.
27. Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, “The name’s Norris; Chuck Norris.”
28. Chuck Norris is the secret mastermind behind Bruce Lee’s mysterious death. Close friends report that he thinks he beat his great master to death in an epic battle to determine Earth’s greatest fighter. Those same friends are planning an intervention to send Chuck to an asylum.
29. Chuck Norris declared war on the color orange. And won.
30. Every single person who has ever quoted “Napolean Dynamite” is now on Chuck Norris’ list. Chuck Norris hates that fucking movie.
31. Chuck Norris once played a game of chinese checkers merely by shooting the marbles. Needless to say he hasn’t lost yet.
32. Chcuk Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
33. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
34. Chuck Norris is considered a prime number in certain schools in Ontario.
35. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
36. When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
37. Chuck Norris masturbates to the sound of kittens crying.
38. At 3:37pm every day, Tokyo has a one minute seven second silence to honour Chuck Norris.
39. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
40. Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
41. Chuck Norris prefers Pepsi to Coke, McDonald’s to Burger King, and, surprisingly, Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, Chuck Norris responded with, “I don’t trust Doctors.” Then, he shot lasers out of his eyes, and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
42. Chuck Norris is so smart, Steven Hawking stood up to bow down to him.
43. Chuck Norris made the first oak tree by planting one of his arm hairs.
44. Chuck Norris invented water.
45. The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was filmed doing 8 spin kicks a second. He prefers gardening to kicking however.
46. Chuck Norris, contrary to popular belief, is the answer to the question, “What is the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?”, not 42.
47. Chuck Norris invented the spork.
48. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.
49. Chuck Norris is not a man; he is the culmination of hundreds of years of black oppression.
50. Chuck Norris keeps Conan O’Brien’s testicles in a jar next to his Bible.
51. Surgeon Generals Warning: Do not use Chuck Norris when pregnant or nursing.
52. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, and not Space, is the final frontier.
53. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
54. The last words Gandhi ever heared were, “Take a dirt-nap, asshole.” Who uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.
55. Chuck Norris created pi in order to keep humans confused. While scientists and mathematicians attempt to terminate pi, Chuck Norris plots to terminate them.
56. Chuck Norris’ penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris’ colossal erections. This is known as the “Chuck Norris’ big cock theory of space-time”.
57. The Association of American Undertakers voted to make Chuck Norris their honorary President after he personally increased their buisness by 300%.
58. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
59. As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.
60. Chuck Norris is a white supremacist but also lead the Black Civil Rights movement. When asked which side he really was on, Chuck replied, “The Mexicans.”
61. Surgeon Generals Warning: Do not use Chuck Norris when pregnant or nursing.
62. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, and not Space, is the final frontier.
63. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
64. The last words Gandhi ever heared were, “Take a dirt-nap, asshole.” Who uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.
65. Chuck Norris created pi in order to keep humans confused. While scientists and mathematicians attempt to terminate pi, Chuck Norris plots to terminate them.
66. Chuck Norris’ penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris’ colossal erections. This is known as the “Chuck Norris’ big cock theory of space-time”.
67. The Association of American Undertakers voted to make Chuck Norris their honorary President after he personally increased their buisness by 300%.
68. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
69. As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.
70. Chuck Norris is a white supremacist but also lead the Black Civil Rights movement. When asked which side he really was on, Chuck replied, “The Mexicans.”
71. Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
72. If you look closely, you can spot Chuck Norris in nearly every scene of “Men in Black”.
73. Chuck Norris won’t allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States.
74. Chuck Norris once used a butterfly knife camping. This may not sound special but he used it to build a tent, start a fire and kill a deer. Oh, and as a compass.
75. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
76. Chuck Norris thinks anyone who uses the metric system is a pussy.
77. Chuck Norris invented the measurment the “yard”, as it was much more appealing to say than, “Hi, my name is Chuck Norris and my dick is three feet long.”
78. Chuck Norris may cause nausea, vomiting, headaches, dry mouth or anal seepage.
79. Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris, not Angelina Jolie, that broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
80. Chuck Norris once drop-kicked a man through a speeding vehicle.
81. Chuck Norris can not only pull off the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique with only four fingers, he can also juggle a panda bear and a keg of grape juice while doing it.
82. Chuck Norris can make the Kessel Run in less than 10 parsecs.
83. Eventhough Chuck Norris was born after Einstein, he is the inspiration for Einstein’s life work and greatest achievement; The Theory of Relativity. Explanation: It is widely known in the scientific community that Chuck Norris is “Relatively awesome”.
84. The original script for the movie Zoolander had Chuck Norris playing the role of Derek Zoolander. When filming the “Magnum” scene, the look that Norris gave exploded the hearts of all humans in attendance. Owen Wilson was the only survivor. That’s why his nose is so screwed up.
85. In 1988 Chuck Norris walked into Hanna-Barbera studios armed with an AK-47 and held the writting team of Scooby-Doo hostage until they agreed never to use the character Scrappy-Doo in any of their cartoons ever again. Norris was awarded with the Congressional Medal of Honor for this act.
86. Chuck Norris’ beard is actually made of Velcro. He uses it to trap low flying bats.
87. When the medical industry falls on tough times they call upon Chuck Norris to roam the countryside delivering roundhouse kicks to anyone who may cross his path in order to stimulate business in hospitals.
88. Every time Chuck Norris ejaculates, an angel gets its wings.
89. God once made a rock so big that not even he could lift it; thus answering the legendary question. Chuck Norris not only lifted this rock, but also karate chopped it so hard that it fragmented and formed the progressive rock group “Yes”.
90. Whenever you curse Chuck Norris under your breath for being the most awesome loser in history, you’re damned lucky his beard doesn’t hear it. DAMNED lucky.
91. Not to be outdone by the popularity of Marky Mark’s third nipple, Chuck Norris willed into creation a magical teat located just to the right of his belly button that generates a stream of crude oil whenever Chuck hears the song “Good Vibrations”.
92. Chuck Norris once bench pressed Texas. He then found himself with an enormous appetite, so he decided to eat Rosanne Barr. Alive.
93. Chuck Norris’ beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table.
94. Chuck Norris’s dick is so big, it has its own Dick. And Chuck Norris’s Dick’s dick is bigger than your dick.
95. The biggest mistake Clint Eastwood ever made is when he told Chuck Norris to make his day.
96. In 1997, Chuck achieved a milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition. This one’s true folks. Thumbs up Chucky.
97. Will Smith is merely a figment of Chuck Norris’ imagination.
98. Chuck Norris invented the thumb for the sole purpose of giving “the thumbs-up”, he later discovered the opposable thumb can be used for millions of other things, like giving “the thumbs-down”, drinking a beer, and picking up spare change from the floor. Steven Segal was so furious at this achievment, he invented the “Big Toe”, which hasn’t been as big of a hit as the thumb. sorry Steve-o.
99. Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
100. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
101. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
102. Hasselhoff blew up Chuck Norris’ mailbox for stealing his cameo glory in Dodgeball. Norris then blew up Hasselhoff’s mother.
103. Jimi Hendrix didn’t actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo.
104. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.
105. Starting in May of 2006, there will be four sizes of popcorn at AMC movie theaters: “Small”, “Medium”, “Large”, and “Chuck Norris’ Balls”.
106. The Great Wall of China was modeled after Chuck Norris’ pectoral muscles. This would explain the large amount of dead Asians buried within the wall.
107. Chuck Norris was the 1987 USWF Weight Lifting Champion. This is considered very impressive considering Norris didn’t even enter the tournament, but won anyway because he’s fucking awesome.
108. In Vulcan, the same word is used for both “Awesome” and “Chuck Norris”.
109. Chuck Norris spends all of his time on this site searching through the facts so he can find the ones he submitted and give them perfect 10 ratings.
110. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
111. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
112. Hasselhoff blew up Chuck Norris’ mailbox for stealing his cameo glory in Dodgeball. Norris then blew up Hasselhoff’s mother.
113. Jimi Hendrix didn’t actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo.
114. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.
115. Starting in May of 2006, there will be four sizes of popcorn at AMC movie theaters: “Small”, “Medium”, “Large”, and “Chuck Norris’ Balls”.
116. The Great Wall of China was modeled after Chuck Norris’ pectoral muscles. This would explain the large amount of dead Asians buried within the wall.
117. Chuck Norris was the 1987 USWF Weight Lifting Champion. This is considered very impressive considering Norris didn’t even enter the tournament, but won anyway because he’s fucking awesome.
118. In Vulcan, the same word is used for both “Awesome” and “Chuck Norris”.
119. Chuck Norris spends all of his time on this site searching through the facts so he can find the ones he submitted and give them perfect 10 ratings.
120. Deeming his too awesome for the world of mortal men or heaven, God attempted to destroy Chuck Norris by swallowing him. However Chuck Norris beat the shit out of God’s insides, causing God to vomit him out. This led to the popular euphamism for vomiting, “Up-Chuck”>
121. Chuck Norris’ advice? Grow a beard.
122. Chuck Norris knows how to cure AIDS, but will only reveal the solution if Ralph Macchio is publicly executed.
123. Chuck Norris once claimed that Clear Pepsi, “was for queers.” The following day, Pepsi pulled the product from shelves.
124. It was proclaimed that the character Walker Texas Ranger was based on the life of Chuck Norris’ grandson, Toby Norris, in the year 2030, and slightly changed to a western theme. When asked about the shows theme change Norris replied, “It’s just more realistic that a cowboy sheriff is a martial arts master…” Norris then threw a smoke bomb on the floor and vanished, but had to come back because he forgot his car keys.
125. Chuck Norris spent the first 4 years of World War II strapped to the back of General Patton. He spent this time doodling pictures of himself punching the atom bomb.
126. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
127. Chuck Norris told the kid from the “Sixth Sense” that he has AIDS.
128. Steven Segal legally changed his name to Chuck Norris, and reems all the proceeds for the Total Gym for himself. When Norris found out about this, he blew up Segals mother.
129. Chuck Norris hates Romanians. His official reason: “They’re fucking Romanians.” Needless to say, this resulted in the Vietnam War and the invention of the space shuttle.
130. Chuck Norris once owned and operated a line of Sex-shops, but decided it would be funnier if he sold it to a kid’s entertainment corporation. This chain still retains its original name, “Chuck E. Cheese’s”.
131. Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.
132. Chuck Norris created the the theory of evolution, but lost it to Darwin in a game of Tiddly-Winks.
133. A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series “MacGyver”. Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
134. Chuck Norris once destroyed an entire village during a drunken brawl, killing over 345 people. Feeling bad, he used his native american mind powers to rebuild the village and return its inhabitants to life.
135. Chuck Norris does not bathe with soap or water. His body naturally sweats Mr. Clean.
136. Chuck Norris was arrested in the early 80’s for throwing stray cats at oncoming buses.
137. If you shaved off Chuck Norris’ beard, you would find a tatoo of an identical beard underneath.
138. When playing dodgeball, Chuck Norris will often light his opponents on fire, with lazer beams from his eyes.
139. Chuck Norris didn’t like the color of his eyes so he had them tatooed.
140. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
141. People love wine country but Chuck Norris prefers scotch country.
142. The Chinese ideogram for “Chuck Norris” depicts the heaven above growing a beard.
143. If you stand in front of a mirror, on Halloween night, and say “Chuck Norris” three times, he will come out of the mirror, and karate chop your head in half.
144. Chuck Norris once beat Barry Bonds so badly that Barry had no choice but to become a racist.
145. Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them under pen-names to hide that they are autobiographical.
146. Chuck Norris sent each of the judges at the Academy Awards a giftbasket of mini-muffins and assorted treats to sway them to vote for Sidekicks as Best Picture of the Year. Although it did not win, Chuck is not discouraged and has been filming Sidekicks 2 for 11 years in his basement apartment.
147. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
148. Chuck Norris created the prototype for the Total Gym out of rubberbands, paperclips and the stem cells of orphans.
149. If trapped in a basement, Chuck Norris can live on basement moisture and insects for over 30 years.
150. Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick anyone in the face if they’re wearing red, just in case they’re a Communist.
151. Chuck Norris is not ashamed of working for an infomercial, and he will scratch the eyes out of anyone who gives him shit.
152. Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
153. The follicles in Chuck Norris’s beard contain the active ingredient for defeating bad breath, ring-around-the-collar, and male pattern baldness. Rumour has it you can get some on the black market from a man covered in kung-fu-related bruising. A two-ounce bag costs enough to fund a small Latin American dictatorship for three months, and don’t think for a second that this isn’t really going on.
154. Chuck Norris was inspiration for all the characters in all of the Mortal Kombat games. Yes, even the female characters. But Chuck Norris did not use a knife on a rope as Scorpion does to do his “get over here!” attack, Chuck of course used his penis.
155. Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
156. In the year 2010, Chuck Norris’ beard will be declared the 51st state.
157. Chuck Norris, every day for breakfast, consumes 8 to 10 gallons of crude oil as a supplement to milk. His only remark to the public regarding his nutrition plan was, “It’s just as healthy as milk, only cheaper.” He gets 18 miles to the gallon.
158. Chuck Norris bemoans the fact the typical American is unaware that Walker Texas Ranger is an unscripted reality show.
159. Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick anyone in the face if they’re wearing red, just in case they’re a Communist.
160. Chuck Norris is not ashamed of working for an infomercial, and he will scratch the eyes out of anyone who gives him shit.
161. Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
162. The follicles in Chuck Norris’s beard contain the active ingredient for defeating bad breath, ring-around-the-collar, and male pattern baldness. Rumour has it you can get some on the black market from a man covered in kung-fu-related bruising. A two-ounce bag costs enough to fund a small Latin American dictatorship for three months, and don’t think for a second that this isn’t really going on.
163. Chuck Norris was inspiration for all the characters in all of the Mortal Kombat games. Yes, even the female characters. But Chuck Norris did not use a knife on a rope as Scorpion does to do his “get over here!” attack, Chuck of course used his penis.
164. Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
165. In the year 2010, Chuck Norris’ beard will be declared the 51st state.
166. Chuck Norris, every day for breakfast, consumes 8 to 10 gallons of crude oil as a supplement to milk. His only remark to the public regarding his nutrition plan was, “It’s just as healthy as milk, only cheaper.” He gets 18 miles to the gallon.
167. Chuck Norris bemoans the fact the typical American is unaware that Walker Texas Ranger is an unscripted reality show.
168. Chuck Norris exisits only beacuse he kicked a man so hard that he flew back in time and fell in love with his mother.
169. Chuck Norris really has no beard, but rather uses adamantium whiskers that jolt out as a defense mechanism destroying all objects in a 2 mile radius. when asked if this hurts, he replies, “Every time.”
170. Chuck Norris uses a hedgehog as a pillow.
171. Whilst paying a visit in Berlin, Chuck Norris paid a visit to the “Potsdamer Platz”, a building notorious for having a lift that can cover 24 floors in less than 15 seconds. Upon hearing this Norris decided to race the lift using the stairs. Needless to say the first thing people saw when the lift doors opened on the 24th floor was Chuck Norris tapping his watch smugly.
172. Chuck Norris is the only 100% effect form of contraceptive.
173. Chuck Norris was the original Master of the Universe until He-Man drugged him and stole his sword. Chuck Norris retaliated by raping She-ra with He-Man’s dead carcass.
174. In the epic poem Beowulf, Beowulf is based on Chuck Norris.
175. Chuck Norris runs contrary to the Geneva Convention. However, in 1958 President Eisenhower persuaded the International Court of Human Rights to strike out that particular clause, on the grounds that Chuck Norris would kick all of their asses if they didn’t.
176. Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”
177. Ron Jeremy decided to grow his mustache and get into porn after seeing Chuck Norris beat a women to death with his penis.
178. Chuck Norris violates all the laws of Science, God, Man and Nature in that he is both a pirate and a ninja, simultaneously.
179. Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris.
180. In the year 2003 Chuck Norris made a claim that he had in fact written every book on 14th century history. When asked how he could’ve physically been able to write this material from this period seeing as he was born in 1940, he replied with “Because I’m Chuck Fucking Norris.” and proceded to deliever a roundhouse to a small Vietnamese couple.
181. The Punisher used to hang out with Chuck Norris, back in the day, until Norris realised what a pussy the Punisher was. It was shortly after this that the Punisher started murdering criminals, but Chuck Norris still won’t answer his phone calls.
182. The milkshake doesn’t bring Chuck Norris to the yard.
183. As part of a social awareness campaign, Chuck Norris battled racism. He won, and though he jump-kicked racism right over the edge of a cliff, racism managed to survive. He’s been holding back and biding his time for another chance at Norris.
184. On the weekends Chuck’s favorite pastime happens to be going to retirement homes. Not to help out, but in fact to swallow the souls of the old. This is the reason why he has stayed at the physical age of 55 for the past 213 years.
185. Unlike William Wallace, Chuck Norris can shoot fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.
186. Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.
187. Chuck Norris does not, in fact, wear cowboy boots, or any other kind of shoes. This is because the skin of his feet and lower legs is already tougher than leather, and occasionally adopts a nifty snakeskin look besides.
188. Chuck Norris came up with an idea for the perfect video game character. He was an Italian plumber from who gained special powers from mushrooms and stars. When he found out that Nintendo had beat him to the punch, Chuck Norris and Mothra destroyed a Nintendo factory. Then Chuck turned on Mothra and ate him.
189. Chuck Norris defeated the Southern states of America single handedly in the civil war out of blind rage because the entire south called his beard gay. After he roundhoused kicked every southerner in the head he answered, “No one messes with the beard retards.”
190. Chuck Norris can bench-press a Buick. He doesn’t like to, though, because it wrecks the transmission. For some reason he has no hesitation in doing curls with a Harley-Davidson.
191. The wood chuck didn’t in fact chuck any wood because Chuck Norris kicked its ass for having the same name.
192. For Chuck Norris, pimping is easy.
193. Muhammed Ali used to say, “I am the greatest.” Then he met Chuck Norris.
194. The reason so many people watched Walker: Texas Ranger over the period of eight years was not because they actually enjoyed the show, but out of sheer respect for Chuck Norris.
195. One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful shit after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li.
196. Part of the reason Chuck Norris can kick so many people in the face before they block it is because his shadow holds them by the balls.
197. Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.
198. Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.
199. Chuck Norris once purchased a necklace that contained a single grain of rice with his name written on it. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t notice the man who made it wrote “Chuck Morris” on it until he got home. When he went back to complain the man was gone. Since that day, he’s spent almost every waking hour in search of the man. When he finds him, he will kill him.
200. Many people say that Chuck Norris eats babies. This is not true. Babies just want to be in Chuck Norris’ stomach.
201. Walker Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris is the original reality-television show.
202. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, Chuck Norris will still be able to kick your ass.
203. In a hostile conversation between Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, Chuck was quoted saying, “Vin, why don’t you walk back into your house, go into the pantry, pull out a bag of ‘fuck off’ chips, open the package, decide you need some dip, then open the refridgerator and grab some extra spicy ‘eat shit’ dip, and eat the whole lot, you fucking asshole.” Norris later remarked that though his comments were harsh, he meant what he said and he does not regret it. He continued on to say, “I hate that pansy, I mean he can’t even grow a beard, for fuck sakes!”
204. Chuck Norris invented the word “twat”, and uses it in every fourth sentance.
205. Chuck Norris won the brick yard four hundred without a car.
206. Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.
207. Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.
208. Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.
209. Chuck Norris once purchased a necklace that contained a single grain of rice with his name written on it. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t notice the man who made it wrote “Chuck Morris” on it until he got home. When he went back to complain the man was gone. Since that day, he’s spent almost every waking hour in search of the man. When he finds him, he will kill him.
210. Many people say that Chuck Norris eats babies. This is not true. Babies just want to be in Chuck Norris’ stomach.
211. Walker Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris is the original reality-television show.
212. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, Chuck Norris will still be able to kick your ass.
213. In a hostile conversation between Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, Chuck was quoted saying, “Vin, why don’t you walk back into your house, go into the pantry, pull out a bag of ‘fuck off’ chips, open the package, decide you need some dip, then open the refridgerator and grab some extra spicy ‘eat shit’ dip, and eat the whole lot, you fucking asshole.” Norris later remarked that though his comments were harsh, he meant what he said and he does not regret it. He continued on to say, “I hate that pansy, I mean he can’t even grow a beard, for fuck sakes!”
214. Chuck Norris invented the word “twat”, and uses it in every fourth sentance.
215. Chuck Norris won the brick yard four hundred without a car.
216. Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.
217. Chuck Norris’ shit is collected and sold as “Quick Start” fire logs.
218. Chuck Norris invented the Penguin.
219. While not officially a diplomat, Chuck Norris has his own seat at the United Nations. He walked into the building by accident in 1992 and sat down in a seat reserved for the representative from Denmark, who chose to sit indian style rather than risk asking him to leave.
220. Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn’t pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.
221. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
222. Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.
223. Instead of warming up before a workout, Chuck Norris hammers himself to a crucifix and then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.
224. God created the universe in six days. Chuck Norris could’ve done it in two.
225. Chuck Norris once performed an abortion by ramming his fist into a lady’s stomach, pulling out the fetus, and biting its head off.
226. Chuck Norris has only ever given one thumbs down. It happened in ancient Rome during a Gladiator match. Caesar refused to make decisions without first consulting Chuck Norris. He gave the thumbs down because this particular Gladiator is the only person ever to survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the jugular. Unfortunately, Caesar didn’t see his sign because of all the Romans standing and cheering and in a moment of panic, Caesar decided to allow the Gladiator to live. Rome fell the next day.
227. Chuck Norris has never used a condom in his entire life.
228. Chuck Norris can cause a forest fire just using the magical properties of his beard, he can then, if he chooses, extinguish the fire by roundhouse kicking it.
229. Up until the pilot episode, “Walker, Texas Ranger” was actually titled “Shitcock and the Double Fist”. Then, for just one episode, it became “Walker, Texas Raper”, wherein Norris actually raped the state of Texas.
230. Chuck Norris still uses “soap on a rope” and says he wouldn’t have it any other way.
231. Chuck Norris was told by Dr. Phil once that he had anger management issues. Chuck Norris then proceded to uppercut Dr. Phil in the nards.
232. Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.
233. Chuck Norris says that guys who pop their collars up are faggots. Period.
234. Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk and poop whole sticks of butter.
235. Chuck Norris eats coal and shits diamonds.
236. The fight scene between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee near the end of “Return of the Dragon” required 58 takes because Chuck Norris kept accidentally beating Bruce Lee. Finally after shooting the scene 57 times, a stunt double had to be brought in to replace Chuck Norris. This stunt double was, of course, a young Vin Diesel.
237. Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.
238. Chuck Norris holds the world record for most pancakes eaten in one sitting with 11,433.
239. Chuck Norris has never found Waldo, but vows to kick his ass when he does.
240. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
241. New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris and I were at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
242. Did you know that shooting stars are just people that Chuck Norris has kicked? His roundhouse is powerful it can propell you far, far into space.
243. Chuck Norris’s softer side was shown when he helped an old lady across the street one day. However, Chuck Norris can only be nice for 15.24 seconds, so he ate the old lady after that amount of time had elapsed.
244. The famous Dr. Marten Steel-Toed Boot was a vain effort to duplicate Chuck Norris’ foot.
245. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again. Chuck Norris turned up later, and put Humpty together again, but only so he could “smash him good”. Humpty remains in a critical condition.
246. Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
247. Chuck Norris’s poop is used as currency in Argentina.
248. Chuck Norris breastfeeds John Madden.
249. The only thing that keeps Chuck Norris going is the fact that somewhere, someone is watching Delta Force 2.
250. The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him.
251. When asked to comment on the television show “Magnum P.I”, Chuck Norris said “I never liked the show because Tom Sellick’s moustache was a lousy piece of shit.”
252. When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Dont try an abortion, either, it only makes the fetus stronger.
253. Chuck Norris has publicy admitted to having a threesome with the Olsen twins.
254. Upon finding this very website, Chuck Norris hunted down and roundhouse kicked every contributer.
255. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
256. Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die; he then gave the story to Johnny Cash in return for his mortal soul.
257. Chuck Norris’s poop is used as currency in Argentina.
258. Chuck Norris breastfeeds John Madden.
259. The only thing that keeps Chuck Norris going is the fact that somewhere, someone is watching Delta Force 2.
260. The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him.
261. When asked to comment on the television show “Magnum P.I”, Chuck Norris said “I never liked the show because Tom Sellick’s moustache was a lousy piece of shit.”
262. When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Dont try an abortion, either, it only makes the fetus stronger.
263. Chuck Norris has publicy admitted to having a threesome with the Olsen twins.
264. Upon finding this very website, Chuck Norris hunted down and roundhouse kicked every contributer.
265. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
266. Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die; he then gave the story to Johnny Cash in return for his mortal soul.
267. When Chuck Norris got lost in the mountains one time, he used is own pubic hair as kindling for a fire.
268. The Beatles were the result of Chuck Norris’ 4th grade science project.
269. In 1997, Chuck Norris won the Pulitzer Prize for his autobiography entitled “Never Quiting the Fight: The Life of Chuck Norris”. He then peed on it.
270. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
271. Chuck Norris caddied for the Dalai Lama once. Instead of giving him money, the Lama offered Chuck the ability to receieve total conciousness on his death bed. Clearly upset by this offer, Chuck roundhouse kicked him off a 10,000 ft crevasse.
272. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that they actually grew younger.
273. There are two kinds of men in the world: Men who have had sex with Chuck Norris and men who want to have sex with Chuck Norris.
274. Contrary to popular belief, Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart can actually combine. However, it is not Captain Planet that materializes out of thin air to stop ecological disasters from destroying our fragile planet, it’s Chuck Norris dressed in full jungle camouflage with an uzi and a flamethrower.
275. Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, another Etheopian child dies of starvation.
276. Chuck Norris once was shot and killed in a fatality scene. Unlike Brandon Lee he revived himself and drop kicked the shooter.
277. Chuck Norris plans to assisinate four other civil rights leaders just to get an entire week off in February.
278. When you die, the last thing you see is Chuck Norris.
279. Chuck Norris must’ve been a pretty strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.
280. Chuck Norris once made love to a grizzly bear for 4 hours.
281. Chuck Norris has slept with 347 women; yet only 2 have lived to tell about it. Needless to say, it was the best sex of their lives.
282. Chuck Norris doesn’t like Jared from Subway. He was quoted as saying, “I can’t respect anyone that eats sandwiches to lose weight. Jared is a bitch.”
283. The tighter the jeans on Chuck Norris, the more kick ass he becomes.
284. Chuck Norris ejaculates C-4 explosives and uses his manly emissions to eliminate inner city pre-schools.
285. Around the year 1956 in Texas, Chuck Norris ate so much steak that it immediately caused world hunger. He then staged a great cattle drive across the nation in order to supply the Texas steakhouse with enough beef for his next meal.
286. 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris.
287. Chuck Norris was onced asked, “Who let the dogs out?” He paused for a moment and then calmly stated, “Go fuck yourself.”
288. Chuck Norris trims his beard with a dull bayonet.
289. In the beginning, there was Chuck Norris. And it was good.
290. Chuck Norris once gave blood. The blood then went on to win the WWF (now known as the WWE) championship under the moniker of “The Ultimate Warrior”. When Chuck learned of this he showed an indiscernible facial expression that could have been pride. Or disgust. We’ll never know…
291. Chuck Norris thinks bathrooms are a waste of time. He’d rather shit all over the floor and get it over with.
292. Chuck Norris killed the dinosaurs.
293. They use Chuck Norris’ foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.
294. There are some things in the world money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Chuck Norris.
295. Chuck Norris wanted to be the “voice of God” in the movie “Dogma”, but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny’s on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.
296. Chuck Norris eats Transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
297. Chuck Norris thinks that MacGuyver is a complete prick because he doesn’t have facial hair.
298. Once, when Chuck Norris had a fever, a man told him the only cure was more cowbell. Chuck Norris was so enraged that he flicked the man in the testicles, causing him to vomit uncontrollably for 16 days straight.
299. Chuck Norris cultivates a small population of third world orphans with red hair so he can harvest them at a moments notice for his beard.
300. Chuck Norris once punched a drug dealer so hard, that he ripped a hole in the fabric of time and space, resulting in Chuck traveling back in time during the Revolutionary War. Chuck Norris then proceeded to singlehandedly beat the Brits during the battles at Lexington and Concord.

Daily Facts